MEET Mister Moneybags, the taxi driver. In one week he has returned two handbags, left on the back seat of his Station taxi, by careless women. One contained £90 plus credit cards the other £60 and more plastic cash.

Unflappabble driver Dennis Dixon was amazed when he tracked down the owner of the £90-plus bag to a York pub where she was staying during her visit from Louth in Lincolnshire.

"A colleague spotted the bag on the back seat when I returned to base after dropping her and her husband back at the pub following their shopping trip.

"I had her bag for three hours because I picked up a fare to Holme-on-Spalding Moor then a couple more after that," says Dennis.

"When I finally tracked her down to the pub and walked in with her bag she didn't even know she had lost it!"

Dennis says she was gushingly grateful because it still contained £90 in cash, all her credit cards, house keys, pension book, pictures of her grandchildren and even a commemorative £5 coin to mark the Queen Mother's 100th birthday.

I tracked down the careless 'bag lady', Vera Lucas, in Louth and the 62-year-old told me, rather shamefacedly: "Yes it's true, I hadn't missed the handbag until Dennis brought it back to me. I felt such a fool, but it had been a very hectic day.

"Dennis was great. I couldn't thank him enough. Single-handedly he has restored my faith in human nature.

"I offered him a drink but he wouldn't take one 'cos he was driving."

Dennis, a former welder at York's carriage works, has found six handbags in his seven years of taxi driving not to mention numerous expensive cameras, all of which have been returned to their absent-minded owners.

So hail Dennis, the caring cabbie.

As for Vera... veni, vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

- SYD and Stella from Strensall went to the Pleaure Beach at Blackpool.

Stella wanted to go on the ferris wheel, but Syd didn't fancy it.

So Stella went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly Stella was thrown out and landed in a heap at her Syd's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

- Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror in her luxurious Bootham mansion applying the "miracle" products, she asked: "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I look?"

Looking her over carefully, Joe smarmed: "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

- MARGARET, wife of international trucker Ted of York, came up with this little gem during a lull in the shouting at a hostelry that shall remain nameless: "Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equalling 100 miles."

She winked meaningfully and told me to: "Think about it..."

I can't even refold a map, let alone think.

- IDLY sipping a pint while watching snowflakes the size of dinner plates fall outside the Rose And Crown, Dave shattered my reverie with: "Just bought my girlfriend a mood ring that changes colours.

"When she's in a good mood it turns green.

"When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead."

- What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.

u Who talks more, men or women? A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said: "What?"

- How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not an airhead; she is reality impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy; she gets chemically inconvenienced.

She does not nag you; she becomes verbally repetitive.

- How to speak about men and be politically correct:

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

He does not get lost all the time while driving; he investigates alternative destinations.

He does not get falling down drunk; he becomes accidentally horizontal.

- IT'S the time of the year when our thoughts turn to holidays.

To help you through the maze, here are translations of top-spinclaims by hotels:

Old world charm... no bath

Tropical... rainy

Majestic setting... a long way from town

Options galore... entertain yourself

Secluded hideaway... impossible to find or get to

Explore on your own... pay for it yourself

No extra fees.... no extras

Nominal fee... outrageous charge

Standard... sub-standard

Deluxe.... Standard

Superior.... one free shower cap

All the amenities... two free shower caps

Plush... top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes... occasional gale-force winds.

Light and airy... no roof, as yet.

Have a happy holiday and send me a postcard... if they have any.