Scientists now think shorties live longer, Stephen Lewis looks at the advanges of being compact.

SHORT, weedy men are less attractive to the opposite sex than tall hunks, according to the latest ground-breaking research. Boffins at the medical research council have been studying the life histories of almost 1,700 British men, as well as an undisclosed number of Finns. The results of all this frenzied intellectual detective work? Small men are less likely to get married.

Well, knock me down with a feather! Here was me thinking women always went for the weeds who got sand kicked in their face, because they brought out the maternal instinct. My faith in womankind has been seriously dented.

Every extra kilogram we men weigh at birth, apparently, gives us a 42 per cent better chance of one day marrying. Every extra centimetre in length as we struggle free from the womb means a 13 per cent greater chance of one day walking down the aisle.

Even after social factors such as class and income are taken into account, the study published in the British Medical Journal reveals, small, thin men are significantly less likely to find anyone willing to say 'I do'. So you girls would rather get hitched to a brickie with bulging muscles and his pants hanging half way down his buttocks than a scrawny little toff in a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit.

This is all very close to my heart, since I've always been a tad on the short side. At school I was known as 'Titch' because I was so small. Fortunately (like many small people, psychologists say) I made up in speed and aggression for what I lacked in size. I probably got into more playground scraps than any other boy in my class, usually emerging triumphant because of my sheer viciousness and compact build. Would-be bullies soon learned to stay away after I strangled one musclebound fourth-former half to death with his own school tie when he was daft enough to try and pick on me.

But however often I thrashed the strapping class Adonis at squash (every time), however well I played for the local badminton club in their senior Gloucestershire League matches and however many sweet fours I struck in inter-house school cricket matches, the girls wouldn't look at me because I was short.

It was only as my growth began to accelerate as I reached the sixth form that I merited even a glance.

I'm now a strapping 5ft 7 in (don't forget that half inch, please) - but quite happy with that, because most people think I'm taller than I am. Must be the broad shoulders and athletic figure.

Actually, it strikes me I've got the best of both worlds. Scientists at Imperial College have found that short people generally live longer than their taller fellows. It's something to do with the hormones which promote growth, but also ageing.

For many short men (the ones who can't find a wife) that advantage is cancelled out by the fact that married men generally live longer than unmarried ones (unlike married women, who generally live less long than unmarried ones. I wonder why that is?).

Me, I'm short, male and married. I'm looking forward to my hundredth birthday already. It's the tall, married women I feel sorry for.