Poor old Charlie Kennedy.

The Liberal Democrat leader has spent days wooing the "grey" vote and being nice to pensioners.

But 72-year-old Peter Simpkins was clearly not impressed with the offer of a £5 pension rise and free health care.

He confronted Mr Kennedy in sunny Torbay and twice invited him - in fairly strong terms - to return to his native Scotland.

Mr Simpkins, who was dressed in a smart check shirt and tan shorts, was led away and could face a public order charge for using "foul and abusive language".

He expressed surprise. "I would have though political meetings were supposed to be a bit of a jolly.

"To tell someone to p**s off is fairly mild," he added.

It turns out he supports the Tories in a "mild way", but he won't be voting, because he's not on the electoral register.

"I don't belong to anything apart from a number of cricket clubs," he said.

It was all a question of anatomy for William Hague's beleaguered troops yesterday.

Senior figures accept the opinion polls are looking very bad indeed.

But, while Labour and the Liberal Democrats scent blood, party chairman Michael Ancram can still sniff victory in the air.

He said: "I am going to trust my nose and I'm taking other people to trust their noses and get people out to vote Conservative."

He reckoned to have spent the last three years proving pollsters wrong and was about to do the same again.

But what if the Tories did get hammered? Would Mr Ancram and his sidekick, Michael Portillo, promise to eat their hats if the polls prove right?

Mr Ancram said he would never promise to eat a hat because it would play havoc with his digestive system.

Shadow Chancellor Mr Portillo said: "I don't have a hat because it would cover up one of my best features."

Of course, he was referring to his perfectly sculpted hair. Baldy William Hague wasn't present, but we can assume he wasn't amused.

Labour, meanwhile, was caught on the hop for not knowing its own showbiz celebrities.

Yesterday they wheeled out the cast of teen-drama Hollyoaks to help promote their education policy. But did they know anything about the soap?. Margaret Beckett said: "I freely admit that I do not watch Hollyoaks or anything else on TV."

Chancellor Gordon Brown added: "But we will be watching from now on."

Updated: 14:39 Friday, June 01, 2001