I'D LIKE to think that I'm totally wix, maybe even to the point of being banging. Honestly, that would be so mesmeric, it would be practically mint. Unfortunately, however, I am a baphead and my pitiful desperation to be thought of as bootylicious is nothing less than pants.

If, like me, you are now more of a loose cannon than a young gun, preferring to listen to The Archers than Judge Jules (Jools, Jewels? Don't ask me, I'm nearly 32 you know) and eschewing Smash Hits in favour of a weighty broadsheet with enough sections to keep you in cat litter tray liners for life, then the words 'mint' and 'baphead' probably mean little.

No, I take that back. If you are really like me, those words will mean some-thing; they will mean you now have a craving for a slab of Kendal mint cake and a ham bap.

For teenagers, however, these words have very different meanings. For them, if something is mint, it's good, while being a baphead is not. These are great examples of modern slang dreamed up in the playground as a new means of confusing already baffled parents. They are great because they are inventive, evocative and colourful, but, more importantly, they are great because they show that teenagers are still doing what teenagers do best: rebelling against their parents, even against the language they use, and establishing a new identity for their generation.

A recent survey by Penguin books found that slang was still very much alive and well and living in our playgrounds, and that children were constantly coming up with new words to describe their lives. Some, such as pants, baphead and trev (someone who wears designer clothes), are homegrown, but most come from across the pond via TV, CDs, films and the Internet.

America - particularly black America - has a strong influence on the slang used by British teens. Destiny's Child reach number one in the charts and suddenly Wayne Wigginbottom of Wigginton is referring to his girlfriend as "totally bootylicious", while a brief glimpse of a Budweiser commercial leads to baying packs of teenagers taking over the mean streets of Murton to yodel "whassup" at each other.

These are completely inoffensive imports. They might be incredibly irritating, particularly if you are in a confined space with two or more teenagers for anything more than about 23 seconds, but they can hardly be described as damaging.

The same cannot be said however for the language used in recent weeks by a certain George W Bush and imported to us via our TV screens and radios. To hear the president of the United States using phraseology more at home in a John Wayne western or an Arnie action movie than in a serious world crisis is, I believe, very damaging indeed.

To tell us and, more pertinently, to tell our kids that he's going to round up "the folks" who murdered thousands in the terrorist attacks on New York and Wash-ington two weeks ago and "smoke them out of their caves", makes the recent horrifying events sound more like an episode of Rawhide, something that can be solved if the good guys of the world drive their countries into a circle around the camp fire before kicking some bad guy butt.

I realise that Mr Bush has a duty to try to buoy his country with powerful language and imagery, but to pepper his speeches with lines that Woody the Cowboy from Toy Story would be embarrassed to say detracts from the message and leaves people - particularly young people - confused about what the future really holds.

And make no mistake about it, our children are confused, worried and frightened about the days, weeks and months ahead. According to friends who have school-age children, the playground chatter is now all about World War III and who is going to 'nuke' who first. They talk with all the bravado of a computer game generation, but once home, away from all their excitable pals, it's all too easy to imagine how silly playtime conversations lead to deeply felt worries and fears.

Our children need information. Keeping them in the dark, even as a way of protecting them, only fuels their fears. They have vivid imaginations and will fill in the gaps themselves with nightmare visions of the future if we don't give them some solid facts to hold on to.

Telling them that we are gonna round up the bad guys and hang 'em high has little foundation in fact. If the truth be told, it has little foundation in real life at all. Quite frankly, Mr President, it's pants.