KEEP your wits about you, chaps. There's a war on. And the first casualty of war, not counting the dead people, is truth. Only an hour after the World Trade Centre was attacked, a Government media advisor sent out a memo to ministers suggesting "it's now a good day for getting out anything we want to bury". Rather an unfortunate metaphor in the circum-stances, but it just shows that the spin doctor's glass is always half full.

That leaked e-mail is a timely message to everyone: Concentrate. While our attention is diverted by all the whizz-bangery abroad, we are not scrutinising the rest of the news with the usual rigour. Did you notice that the Government has sold Britain's railways to Poundstretcher? Did you spot that fair trials are being abolished because they cost too much?

No? I thought not.

So here are some other items of international importance you might have missed while practising leaping into your biological warfare suit.

Catherine Zeta Jones Seen Glowing In Public. Nearly a year after marrying Michael Douglas, the Welsh actress is still alive and well, reports the Daily Mail. "At a fund-raising event over the weekend it was her rosy cheeks that attracted attention," the paper divulged. Her "pink cheeks" were the perfect match for her floral frock, apparently. Look out for the follow-up: Ten More Ruddy Film Stars.

Boosey & Hawkes Shares Leap. The Independent reveals that the music firm's outlook is rosier than Miss Zeta Jones' chops. That is good news for the trombone makers, whose fortunes had been on the slide.

Life's A Blast Says Perfectly Sane Inventor. More news from The Independent, this time reporting on Brian Walker's bid to launch himself 35 miles into space on a rocket fired from his back garden in Oregon, USA. "It's not rocket science," quips Brian - but surely he could save himself time and trouble by hitching a lift on a Cruise missile? (There'll be another one along in a minute).

Thief, Be Damned. Internet news service Ananova reports that Romanian Gheorghe Ferencz has had his pet dog Rexi stolen. Gheorghe has taken to hurling abuse at the thief via newspaper advertisements.

The latest one reads: "I hope the man who stole my dog never finds peace and never enjoys his dinner until my Rexi is brought back to me." Which suggests he has calmed down since writing this earlier missive: "I hope you go blind and your teeth fall out, and you crash your car into a tree."

Double Trouble, Toil And Bubble. Alternative therapists are not failed doctors consumed by such fatuous notions as Feng Shui. They are deep thinkers, desperately concerned about our welfare, as an item in The Sunday Times proves. To calm international anxieties caused by impending annihilation, Jane Alexander, author of Mind, Body, Spirit advises we pop bubble wrap. "It sounds acutely weird, but studies have shown that popping bubble wrap dispels pent-up nervous energy and muscle tension."

Bolting Bullocks Crisis Eased. A year ago today, the Evening Press reported how a rampaging bullock caused havoc in Malton town centre.

"Given that this sort of incident takes place here two or three times a year, I think it is about time some sort of co-ordinated mechanism was put in place for dealing with it," said a passer-by. Subsequently, the Government acted to prevent a repetition of the unfortunate incident by slaughtering the nation's livestock.

And finally, to end on a lighter note: Brits Live Longer Than Germans.

The Guardian reported yesterday that a British male born in 1999 has a life expectancy of 74.7 years, exactly a year more than his German counterpart (missiles and anthrax permitting).