I KNOW exactly who is responsible for the traffic chaos which is blighting York. I had a pint with him the other day. A former military man, he calls himself Major Roadworks and is in charge of Cloud 9, a murky secret department.

When he nipped to the loo, I managed to microfilm details of his latest report to his troops which he calls Gremlins. Here it is. Read and weep...

Chaos Department - Cloud 9 Over York

November 2001 Monthly Report

A great sense of achievement is prevalent on Cloud 9 as we hover over York.

We have surpassed all previous monthly levels of performance and have set new traffic chaos targets for the next few months.

To summarise, the beautiful phrase 'Gridlock York' is now a daily evening event which starts at around 16:45 and lasts more than an hour. We will soon be able to report further success with a partial traffic-slowing event on mornings, albeit for shorter periods of time.

Selected Highlights

The Copmanthorpe disruption continues to be a master-stoke of planning, timing and execution. All concerned need to be congratulated. Our Rumours Section deserve special praise for their work in the areas of suggesting :

A large number of councillors live there

The police favoured this option

The best option of closing the junction was too simplistic.

The gremlin who dreamt up synchronising this with the A19 ring road's new roundabout is in line for a medal. We have got the victims surrounded and there is no way around York now.

Then came the coup-d'etat. It was sheer brilliance that organised the Tadcaster Road BT work that limited the stretch of road to one lane for some days.

To choose BT in preference to either the water board or electricity board (both would have been obvious with either streams of water pouring forth or a blackout) and to plump for something that could not be visibly justified, showed signs of genius.

Stress levels on this stretch of road reached heart-pumping heights.

It was disappointing to see the feeble results of one of our apprentice gremlins who attempted a 'minor' bump at a junction. Not only were both cars easily removed from the scene, but it was always possible for traffic to navigate a way round in both directions.

Clearly more training is needed here and it would be worthwhile considering using the recent Harrogate success as a role model.

One of our elderly Little Old Lady operatives appeared to run out of petrol at a junction. The place was perfect - opposite bollards that blocked one side of the road and also one of the nearby, popular rat-runs. There is no substitute for experience.

Future Plans

We have a number of potential small traffic-stoppers in the pipeline. Where possible we have decided to avoid the use of Emergency Repairs notice boards because this tends to make the disruption seem justified.

The A19 completion is now weeks overdue and will, unfortunately, start to create some limited relief. As usual with these new enterprises, there will be many small bumps and scrapes that will keep the benefits to a minimum and the lemming principle will, as usual, put the junction under extreme pressure for a time.

Proposals for the resurfacing of Fishergate are well advanced and we are hopeful for an early start to the work there. This could be a Christmas cracker.

In the meantime the resurfacing of Navigation Road has been timed to cause maximum disruption for the next week or two.

In Conclusion

The York branch of Cloud 9 continues to exceed expectations and is on course to surpass all previous levels of road chaos.

We are already making plans for a static and immobile 2002.

Stick with us 'cos you're going nowhere...

CALLING all competition-lovers. You may be interested to note that Yorkatt and Eric are running a weekly competition on their website www.yorkatt.com.

Each week's prize is an original, personalised Yorkatt & Eric drawing.

Now into its second week and with one winner already plucked from Yorkatt's feeding bowl, it is not exactly Mastermind stuff.

I found that I could easily get the right answers to the five questions but was struggling to complete the tie breaker "I entered this competition because ..." in less than ten words.

Two York primary schools were all psyched up for their football clash.

They set off in two mini-buses to each other's schools - both teams thought they were playing away! The excited kids from both teams went running out on to each other's empty pitches, having got kitted up inside in their mini-buses.

After frantic phone calls one of the teams rushed back to their school to play in near darkness and lost 3-1!

One of the teacher/coaches, who, for obvious reasons, would not be named, told me: "I was positive we were playing away but no one will admit it!"

"After all that hassle we got stuffed. I should have asked the kids to bring their torches." For their sake let's hope they never get into Europe...

IF the name fits... live up to it.

The major in charge of the 246 Ghurka Signal Squadron recently welcomed to its new home base at York's Imphal Barracks in Fulford Road is none other than... Julius Caesar!

A grovelling welcome from me you may think, but I've seen the size of his weapon... a kukri, the legendary curved knife much feared by friends me Jools, me! and foe alike.

He came, he saw, he signalled...

ALL right lasses, line up to beat me silly with a wet copy of Male Pig Monthly but I couldn't help myself, so here goes:

Why is a launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called Wedding Cake.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me: "What's on the TV?"

I said : "Dust!"