EVER wondered why your pet puss scratches the hell out of your favourite chair? Or why they lick their face when it's not dirty? Or why they cry to be let out, then immediately cry to be let in again? Well, animal behaviour expert Desmond Morris claims he has the answers.

The author behind classics such as The Naked Ape and Bodywatching has released a paperback edition of his popular Catwatching guide in which he tries to explain the idiosyncrasies of the felis catus.

But would he be able to fathom out the complex mind of my sassy, six-year-old cat Jarvis, who has the attitude of Eminem and a south paw punch of which Lennox Lewis would be proud.

According to Morris, the cat's eccentricities stem from the "sequence of its upbringing".

He writes: "By living with other cats (its mother and litter-mates) and with humans (the family that has adopted it) during its infancy and kittenhood, it becomes attached to both and believes it belongs to both species.

"It is like a child that grows up in a foreign country and, as a consequence, becomes bi-lingual.

"The cat becomes bi-mental. It may be a cat physically, but mentally it is both feline and human."

Every ear twitch and flick of your cat's tail has a meaning. Many of these antics stem from kittenhood.

Cats like to be stroked because they look upon humans as "mother cats".

"Kittens are repeatedly licked by their mothers during their earliest days and the action of human stroking has much the same feel on them as feline licking," writes Morris.

And when your cat sticks its tail in the air while being stroked, he's inviting you to inspect his anal region.

Magic!

That strange behaviour of rhythmic kneading or trampling on your lap or belly is also linked to kittenhood. These are the movements which would have stimulated the flow of milk to your cat's mother's nipples.

Although Morris's excellent guide looks at a whole range of cat antics, from mating to grooming and from hunting to eating, there are some he misses completely.

For instance why does my Jarvis insist on sleeping in the best chair in the house and refuse to budge when asked? Or why must he must eat tuna chunks in brine - never in sunflower oil? Or why does a friendly game of tag end up with me being scratched to ribbons? Or why does he go to the toilet minutes before visitors are to arrive? Or why is he scared of spiders?

The list is endless.

Any ideas, Mr Morris?

Catwatching by Desmond Morris is published by Ebury Press, £6.99.

Updated: 09:17 Wednesday, February 20, 2002