ANY day now Alan Titchmarsh will be burned just outside Selby. His job is over, you see, and he is no longer needed by the builders who have just completed the shell of garden centre manger Steve Ward's new four-bedroomed detached house just next to the plant emporium.

The full-size cardboard cut-out of Titchmarsh has followed the builders room to room andfloor to floor as building work has progressed these last five months.

He's been acting unpaid, unsung and unspoken clerk of works, so to speak. The real Alan, of course, has been getting on with gardening shows on TV. The only place his real face hasn't popped on telly is BBC's Ceefax service, but there you go.

Steve Ward says: "I threw the cardboard Alan on to the garden centre rubbish pile months ago, but the builders rescued him and he has been supervising work ever since." He certainly became a talking point as motorists arrived at the centre wondering why Titchmarsh was peeping out from the bedroom windows of the house being built next door.

But now the builders have gone Alan is back on the tip and only hours away from ignition... and oblivion.

- Racegoers at today's St Leger at Doncaster can ditch their lucky pin, disregard the bookies' prices and look to the stars to pick a winner.

Cosmic soothsayer Russell Grant says punters should study the star signs of horses running in the 226th St Leger, the Classic Group One race run over one mile six furlongs and 132 yards for three-year-olds.

By the time you read this you will probably know the winner. They're off at 3.35pm, you see.

If Russell's stargazing proves correct, horse horoscopes may replace more traditional methods of picking a winner, which include placing a bet on the horse being ridden by the best looking jockey, choosing a nag who resembles an ex-partner or picking one with the silliest name.

According to roly-poly Russell's predictions, Irish hopeful Bandari, the ante-post favourite owned by Hamdan Al Maktoum and ridden by Richard Hills, "will gallop to a comfortable win with Sholokhov hard on his heels".

But Kazzia, another supercharger, "could be disadvantaged by a fit of the sulks on the day".

Bandari's horriblescope, according to Russell, reads thus:

Sun sign: Taurus

Moon sign: Libra

Rating: four out of five horse shoes.

"Practical, steady, reliable and wanting to please, according to his stars, Bandari has all the qualities of a winner. Oozing success, calm and confidence, he will give his all. As a Taurian, Bandari will thrive on tender loving care and encouragement and his tenacious nature is likely to see him streak to the head of the pack."

Sholokhov

Sun sign: Pisces

Moon sign: Taurus

Rating: Four horseshoes

"A shaky start could have punters on tenterhooks, but his determination to succeed could mean the tables are turned. Provided he stretches himself, Sholokhov could well be first past the post."

I think it's all a load of twaddle, Russell, I can pick favourites and lose my cash all by myself without you and the stars sticking your noses in! Mind you, the favourite Milan, with Michael Kinane on board, did win last year's St Leger at 7/4...

- OLD Owleee, of Stockton Lane, York, describes himself as a "non-footballer" but despite this he still has a well-honed sense of the ridiculous. He emailed me with this brain-teaser:

"Somebody was recently fined £400 for owning a 'Sunderland is sh**e' scarf.

"Had it said 'Manchester United is sh**e' would the fine have been more or less?

"I suppose it depends on the magistrates. But you may think otherwise."

Well John, it's an open and sh**e case, really, but shouldn't it have been "Sunderland are sh**e" to be grammatically correct? they certainly were the other night at The Riverside when Boro trounced them 3-0 in the Premiership.

But to get back to your query, Owleeee. The FA would reintroduce the death penalty and send round Roy Keane to duff anyone up good and proper for wearing such a Man U-mocking scarf.

- IF I said sticking a lighted candle in your lughole will calm your mind, relax, soothe and revitalise you, you would think I'm three pints of beer short of a session.

Well, apparently it can.

Hopi ear-candles claim to do all of these. North American Hopi Indians, people of the Siberian prairies and various ancient health freaks in Asia have all been at it for centuries.

Now it is available in York at the Healing Clinic at 33 Fulford Cross. A Scottish doctor once told me in the same dour tones as John Laurie's Dad's Army character Pte "We're-All-Doomed" Fraser: "Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear." Because it is impossible to put your elbow in your ear I have stuck with this wise advice.

- I received this poem from Christopher Clayton, of Hempland Drive, York, with the covering advice that: "It is composed entirely of actual quotes from President George W. Bush and arranged for aesthetic presentation by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. Please share it with your readers, especially as this is National Poetry Month To think that our very own St Tony is marching to war with this imbecile..."

Make The Pie Higher

by George W. Bush

I think that we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty

and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked:

Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the internet become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope, where

Our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

- MIKE Richard, a bright boy from Wheldrake who was nine last Tuesday, rang (under supervision from his mum, of course) to tell me he had noticed a sign on a York tour bus which declared: "Live guide on board."

"Well, you wouldn't expect a dead one, would you, Dick?"

Well spotted, son, hope you had a great birthday.

Updated: 09:17 Saturday, September 14, 2002