IN an attempt to pull in more readers, I'm going to start with a mathematical formula. (T+V)+H2O@>98.5C)2 mins+S+OST).

No, I haven't turned from an airhead into a boffin. That, apparently, is the formula for making the best cup of tea.

It was arrived at by scientists after months of research (memo to all universities: any more cushy numbers going, I'm poised to give in my notice) and translates as: teabag plus vessel, ie mug, plus hot water (more than 98.5 degrees C), left to stew for two minutes, then squeeze teabag, then squeeze again for total optimum squeeze time of four seconds.

This is the formula for brewing only - the milk (16 millilitres) should be added last.

Well, I'm sitting here with a delicious cuppa, made at the speed of light by chucking a T-bag into a mug, boiling the dregs of the water in the kettle, pouring it in and splashing on what's left of the milk.

All in the space of half-a-minute.

It strikes me that there are scientific theories and formulas for everything nowadays, from dunking biscuits to pouring juice from cartons.

I've come up with some myself, and if someone wants to pay me for further reseach then all well and good.

1 (H+W)+(SCx2UD)c.8.45am-PLx2 is the perfect formula for Having An Argument.

It translates as: Husband plus wife, add two small children half undressed, around 8.45am, minus two packed lunches.

To reach the desired result, all the above must take place on a weekday during school term time.

The argument centres around the husband failing to make the lunches as he usually does and the wife discovering this fact as she is about to take the children to school.

"I told you to do them last night," she shrieks, followed by the husband yelling:

"Why don't you do them for a change?" And the wife screaming: "Okay, then why don't YOU do the ironing for a change?"

Because of time restraints the row is over quickly but resumes that evening.

2 (BW1ltr2)+(TM2)+LN+RCx2-S = Being Extremely Ratty All Day.

This translates as one two-litre bottle of wine and a tikka masala between two, a late night, two restless children, hardly any sleep.

Since becoming parents, the thing that has hit my husband and I hardest is that we are always too exhausted to stay up late and watch a film with a curry and bottle of wine.

And when we very occasionally do, one of the children invariably wakes up a dozen times.

And, you know that, with both children up again at 7am, there's no possibility of a lie in.

There's no way you can be a reasonable, sane human being the next day.

3 (Mx1pkt)+O+C+(CBx1T)+SP@> 500C = Ruining Your Husband's New Saucepan.

This involves a packet of mince, onions and carrots (both diced), plus a tin of chilli beans and a shiny, new, fairly expensive saucepan.

Basically, you stick all the food into the pan, put it on a high heat and go and watch television.

This is also a good formula for Making Your Husband Very Angry.

I may not be a qualified scientist but I reckon my formulas work well.

They do in our house anyway - and it took me all of five minutes to come up with them.

Updated: 11:30 Monday, October 28, 2002