Dwell I never did

It is enough to make any househunter green with envy.

Imagine, 14 freehold homes in Long Close Lane, the now long-gone Redeness Street and Duke of York Street, to be sold at auction in York yielding a king's ransom total of £96.17s in rents.

These days you would think the sellers had a slate loose, what with a two-bedroom penthouse apartment on offer for more than "half a mill" in Leeman Road.

But back in May 1886 the smoky rooms of the White Horse Inn in Goodramgate rang out to the auctioneer's gavel as the old homes went under the hammer.

The poster from that big sale will now have pride of place on the lobby wall of the Phoenix Inn in George Street, relegating my Dick Turpin "deathday" poster to "the ladies' loo" according to publican Barry Stickney.

So why should I bother sticking my neck out - remember what happened the last time - to give the pub free publicity? 'Cos he and Barbara pull a prime pint of Johns, of course.

If you can shed any light on the great house sale please ring me on 01904 653051, but ask your mam for permission to use the phone.

DURING a visit to County Hall in Northallerton on Wednesday for the meeting of North Yorkshire County Council's "executive" - where they decided to raise their precept by 11.5 per cent - one of our snoopier reporters was kicked out of the meeting.

He was the only hack who bothered to cover this momentous event but was given the elbow so they could discuss whether to sell off Grantley Hall, near Ripon.

As he aimlessly roamed the corridors of power he noticed the door to the Executive Member's Room was open. He peeked in to read the following advice to councillors written, in neat handwriting, on a dry-wipe board:

1. When in charge ponder

2. When in trouble delegate

3. When in doubt mumble

Rules councillors clearly follow to the letter and I know, I used to have to listen to their pompous, interminable ramblings.

THOSE flicking departure boards at York Railway Station had passengers zipping about faster than ex-President Clinton's flies the other day.

It was the day the 0920 Manchester Airport train pulled into Platform 3 as usual and only a couple of minutes late.

However, for the previous ten minutes the announcement boards had been directing its passengers to Platform 10 and warning that the train would be 15 minutes late.

But no one told the train.

Station staff made a red-faced announcement and the passengers had to hotfoot it across the footbridge because the train had no intention of hanging around - the Fat Controller has schedules to keep, you know.

Meanwhile, down on Platform 4, the 0937 to Liverpool, was, according to the departure boards, arriving 18 minutes early, then 20 minutes late.

It arrived bang on time. However, it then stood motionless for about 20 minutes because a relief driver wasn't available.

Maybe the person in charge of the departure boards is the same person responsible for the road sign by George Leeman's statue on Station Road that tells pedestrians that York Railway Station is somewhere down Leeman Road...

HERE'S a gripping tale about Lesley Dalton, of York, who wrote this letter to a national broadsheet newspaper this week:

"You reported that 60,00 people have injured themselves while trying to open bottles, jars and tins. I stabbed myself in the hand attempting to open a packet of grips - designed to help people manage tops and lids that are difficult to open!"

No wonder poor Lesley flipped her lid in print.

VALENTINE'S Day-plus one and who understands men? asks my mate Annie Wright, the York-born quantity surveyor and construction contracts consultant who now works in Brum.

Annie has a problem:

1 The nice men are ugly.

2 The handsome men are not nice.

3 The handsome and nice men are gay.

4 The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after them for their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8 The handsome men, who are not so nice and heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9 The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, nice and have money, are cowards.

10 The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and, thank God, are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move! The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in women who take the initiative.

Can't help you Annie, I never go out with men!

I SCOUR newspapers the length and breadth of Walmgate to find amusing snippets to raise a titter. Take this one from the Bournemouth Evening Echo... please!

"Mrs Irene Graham, of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945.

She recalled 'He had always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler".

York rockers Stone Cold Sober, led by tousled-locked lead singer Garry Barrett, the man who played session lute for Blondel the 12th century troubadour - well, it feels as if he's been around the city's music scene so long - have a new six-track CD for sale at their gigs.

Aptly called Drink - The Great Leveller, it features three songs by bass guitarist Garry and three cover versions of INXS, Sam Brown and Fleetwood Mac numbers.

Very good it is too, but you can't beat the real thing, so pop along to one of their regular Monday night gigs at the Roman Bath in St Sampsons Square to catch Gaz, with band-babe Lisa, (vocals), Simon "Waggo" Waggot (keyboards/vocals), Sean McMullan (lead guitar/vocals) and Trev "Fatha" King on drums.

They also play Hartlepool regularly but don't hang about for long after the gig for obvious historical reasons.

Twenty years in the local spotlight and Gaz is still rock solid. So, fans, stay Sober, enjoy a few bevvies and get levelled.

Updated: 11:21 Saturday, February 15, 2003