INTERCEPTED mail - 50th birthday postbag for the Right Honourable Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street

FROM: Saddam Hussein (no address given)

Happy birthday to you

From my bunker with a view

On the Mother of All Birthdays

Is an amnesty due?

No harm in asking...

PS Please do not trouble yourself to send the stamp and envelope off for DNA testing. I got one of my doubles to lick them for me.

FROM: The Honourable Gordon Brown MP, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 11 Downing Street

Many happy returns, Tony. You know, 50 is a good age to start thinking about taking things just that little bit easier.

I realise I haven't done much to boost your pensionable income lately, but you have always boxed clever financially and will have provided well for your own future. What with the rent from that nice flat you bought in Bristol, Cherie's legal work and her lucky habit of attracting free gifts wherever she goes, you'd rub along well enough, and just think of all the cheap holidays you could notch up in Tuscany if you didn't have a country to run. How about it? Surely it's my turn by now!

Yours hopefully, Gordon.

FROM: Mo Mowlam MP, Westminster

Hiya, Tone

Listen, I don't want to be a drag on your big day, but can you get someone to have a word with customer services at BT? There's a really weird kind of clicking noise that happens every time I try to use my phone, and it's disrupting my train of thought. I was so distracted I called the man from Domino's Pizza darling the other night, and when he turned up on my doorstep it wasn't just my dinner he wanted to deliver.

Hope you can sort something out! In the meantime, have a good one

Later, babe, Mo.

FROM: The President of the United States, George W Bush, The White House

Have a very happy day, partner.

I'm real glad we managed to sort out ole Iraqistania in time for you to enjoy a peaceful half century. Thanks for the invitation to your party. I only wish I could be there with you folks, but Dad, Donald and Colin want me to spend some more time brushing up on my geography. Now, is North Korea nearer for you guys or for us?

God Bless America, Dubya.

FROM: The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, the Kremlin

Birthday greetings, Mr Blair. I enjoyed very much our meeting last week - I haven't laughed so hard since Boris fell down the stairs after a few too many vodkas at the last presidents' reunion. Gorby and me had to step smartly to one side to avoid getting mown down underneath him, and everybody else was sent flying. I tell you, Boris that night was the nearest thing to a weapon of mass destruction that I've seen in a long while!

Do svidanya.

FROM: June Whitfield

Dear Tony,

We're none of us as young as we used to be, and now you're starting to get on in years, you might like to consider our 50-plus life insurance plan. There's no medical, no complicated forms to fill in, and no salesman will call. Reply within ten days and a handsome carriage clock could be yours to treasure.

All the best for a happy fiftieth birthday

June

Updated: 11:27 Monday, May 05, 2003