THERE'S a problem with the Tory plot. The bloodthirsty plotters don't seem to know on whose behalf they are plotting. Iain Duncan Smith says the only plot is one to get rid of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. He's terribly wrong. All the plotters agree they want to get rid of him.

But who will replace him? Ken Clarke? As obsessed with joining the Euro as the rest of the party are about staying out. York-born David Davis? Short of personality. Michael Portillo? Too "inclusive" and doesn't really want the job. Oliver Letwin? Bonkers. Michael Howard? Really quite scary.

Even William Hague was back in the frame, but he remembers how rough it was last time.

One plotter recently went to a wealthy businessman to ask for cash to fund a coup. The businessman asked who would be taking over. The plotter replied: "No idea".

The logic is that, after IDS has fallen, someone will emerge who makes sense to the party and the public. It happened in the past to good effect - that's how they got Harold "supermac" Macmillan.

But it's also how they got IDS in the first place. There's still a chance the plotting - the only word on people's lips in Blackpool, as you will by now have guessed - will be to no avail.

Those behind the scheming are, in the words of one Tory whip, "cowards" and may vanish if IDS does OK in the Sunday newspapers and puts in a strong showing when the Commons returns next week.

But, alternatively, they could have secured the 25 MPs' names required to trigger a vote of no confidence within days. Then what? The plot gets lost, I suspect.

Still, it wasn't all about plotting. There was some old fashioned Tory nonsense as well. It came from IT consultant-cum-wannabe MP Tim Metcalfe.

He told delegates: "Make prison a genuine punishment, bring back solitary confinement, take away their TVs and snooker tables and let them earn privileges ..."

Crime went unpunished at the moment and prison, with its "relaxed regime" and drugs, was no deterrent, he exclaimed.

"The only people imprisoned these days are decent ordinary hard working people who feel trapped in their own homes, many of whom live with bars on their windows. An Englishman's home is no longer his castle, it's his prison."

For the first time, the conference hall was alive.

"Bring back birching for young tearaways that terrorise council estates and vandalise graveyards.

"Castrate paedophiles.

"Bring back hanging!"

The Tories love a good hanging and the place was rocking by now. He went for the money.

"Let us show the country that we really do mean business on crime by showing our support for Tony Martin ..."

They remembered him. He'd shot and killed a young burglar while defending his property. "Hip, hip hooray" they cried back.

Mr Metcalfe said he was "sick and tired of hearing about the rights of the thug," and demanded: "What about my rights as a decent honest hard working Englishman.

"We are supposed to be the party of law and order. Let's prove that to the ordinary man and woman in the street. Let's take some risks and stop trying to be the Liberal party. If we do that, we will win the next election."

No, they won't. But dumping IDS and hoping for the best is not the way either.

Updated: 10:16 Friday, October 10, 2003