What a load of rubbish, absolute codswallop, balderdash, tommy rot.

No, not this column, you fool. I mean the total tosh which is talked about childhood stress.

We are deliberately trying to create a world of junior wimps that cannot possibly cope when they enter the ranks of adulthood.

We are mollycoddling the little darlings in layers of cotton wool so cosily that we stupidly insulate them from reality.

I was so incensed - maybe the moon was on me - when I heard of the latest, ridiculous schoolwork stress survey, I nearly stormed into McDonald's and shouted "Burger King!"

Most parents feel that children are put under enormous stress with ever increasing homework, projects and exams, according to the survey commissioned by REAL magazine. And 80 per cent of parents feel the burden of homework is spoiling normal family life, frequently causing arguments and even reducing children to tears.

Apparently so much "stress" is being heaped on children from a young age, schools are turning them into homework robots.

"Children are simply being pushed too hard. The current homework and exam burden placed on today's youngsters is wrecking family life and has turned exhausted working parents into stress counsellors and teachers," say the survey sponsors.

Stress counsellors and teachers, indeed. God forbid that parents should have to comfort and help their own children. Especially if it interrupts their relaxation after a hard day's work.

For a start, let's lay to rest this myth about childhood stress. Just because they say "It does my 'ead in" does not mean they are suffering stress. It means they are having to do something they don't want to do that is keeping them from their PlayStation.

This namby pamby over-protectiveness even spreads to school sports days. Nowadays, some schools will not allow parents to attend because it would upset and embarrass the losers (sorry, that's not a politically correct word these prissy days. I should say those who do not win).

But where are the human rights of the winners (those who succeed)? Surely they have a right to perform well in front of their parents? Sorry, but the world is made up of winners and losers, and has been since Noah was a lad. I'll bet when they climbed aboard his arc there was jostling for position among all those two-by-twos.

It's competitiveness and ambition that makes humans advance. It's what we do, whether at play or at work.

Please let's not squash it in our youngsters.

Most children's and grown-ups' games are highly competitive, whether it is Monopoly, snap, snakes and ladders, chess or hopscotch.

Should we ban ludo because the one who does not get all his counters home first might be stressed at losing?

I'm calming down now, especially as a second survey has just landed on my desk. It has put it all into perspective.

Just as two accountants can always arrive at two different figures from the same set of books, two different surveys can paint totally different pictures.

This second questionnaire, carried out by an office supplies company, reckons that of all the kids questioned, 50 per cent felt they did not get enough homework.

But far more important, the survey discovered that 50 per cent of kids aged 10 to 14 admit to owning a phone and most think they should be able to take it to school.

Imagine the call home from the classroom: "Mum, can I come home? Please mum, I'm stressed out. I don't like it here, I have to write, and think and do sums. It's horrible.

"Mum, can I have some more credit on my phone because I want to ring a lad in Year 5 'cos he'll know the answers to an exam I'm doing....what do you mean it's cheating? They can phone a friend in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? So why can't I."

PS: After last week's column in which I admitted my peculiar vulnerability to the full moon, I got a nice letter from the Official Monster Raving Loony Party suggesting I join them.

"Our founder, the late Lord Sutch was also so afflicted, hence the Loony in the name of the party," said the letter signed by the Shadow Minister of Identity Crises. "Myself, Eddie Vee, our prospective parliamentary candidate, and all our other local members would give you an insane welcome."

Hmm, thanks boys. I'm still thinking about it.

Updated: 09:17 Tuesday, October 14, 2003