SO YOU think you are really pure - pure as the driven snow. Think again. We all have little, dark secrets locked away.

With most of us they are still there, just under the skin, half-covered in scar tissue but easily brought to the surface with the right reminder and enough to have us burning with shame.

Many people lock these pranks, wrongdoings or acts of downright evil so deep inside they deny even to themselves they ever happened. Then they convince themselves they are the most righteous, lily-white citizens God ever created.

So why not take the test to see how pure you are? Yes, dear reader, there is a purity test. It's on the Internet, of course, the biggest hyper-market in the universe.

You can find anything there - for good or evil, for knowledge or entertainment. And you can find, a website which offers a range of character tests including The Purity Test.

After answering a series of questions, you are given a purity percentage. This test is not for the faint-hearted. The questions range from silly to sickening, and you may be disturbed when the questions unlock long-buried memories.

When you enter the dark portals of the test, you are asked for your name and email address. I did not disclose either, too much scope for junk mail or blackmail. Filling in these details allows you to check the ratings of anyone else who has taken the test.

Section one starts with The Little Stuff. Have you ever held hands? Yes. Have you ever been on a date? Yes. Have you ever fantasised about sex? Yes (how am I doing so far? How are you doing so far?).

Have you ever been inside a bar or a pub? Yes. Have you ever consumed alcohol? Oh yes. Have you ever smoked tobacco? Yes. Have you ever performed a striptease? Have you ever lied? Have you ever said a dirty word? Did you ever skip a class in school?

The idea each time is to take your little mouse and click on a 'yes' or 'no' box.

By now you may be feeling stirrings of memory you'd rather not re-open, especially from your school days. All those pranks behind the bike sheds (smoking, for one); and isn't it about time I returned that chemistry text book I 'borrowed' in the fifth form? One of these days I can always send it back anonymously. And I should apologise to Wilmore and tell him who cut his tie in half while he was doing gym.

Section two is labelled 'spicy'. Have you ever cheated in an exam? Have you ever shaved all your pubic hair? Do you regularly not wash your hands after going to the toilet? Have you ever slept with a married person (to whom you were not married?)

Have you ever watched a pornographic movie? Write down the worst word you have ever called someone. Have you ever stolen a road sign? Have you ever had oral sex? (That's talking about it, isn't it?)

And did you notice just when I stopped revealing my answers? Anyway, back to the test. Have you ever smoked marijuana? Have you ever sniffed glue or markers? Have you ever urinated in a public place? Have you ever told - or laughed at - a racist joke?

Section three is entitled Someone's Watching. Have you ever played dress up - in THAT way? Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever had sex in a moving car or with someone in the room watching? Phew, is it warm in here or is it me? It's getting a bit raunchy now: Have you ever cheated with your taxes - or on your partner? Have you ever been tied up, chained or handcuffed during sex?

Have you ever kissed someone in your family - in THAT way? And these are only the questions I can decently recite. It's getting really sick and section four is still to come.

Best not to try this test on your office computer. It's surprising how colleagues can develop binocular-vision speed-reading as they walk past a computer screen. I was told about this test by a young woman colleague and her results are there for all to see.

On with section four. Have you ever eaten sushi off a naked body? Actually I've never even tried sushi. Have you ever smoked the white clouds of opium or had intercourse with someone whose name you did not know? And so on.

Then you submit your test for grading and in a few moments your results are back. I was 42 per cent pure. Not bad, I thought, until it added that more than 80 per cent of the population was purer than I.

If you find all that tame, also offers the slut test, the bitch test, the sex test, even the gender test. Best not go there.

And my colleague? She was less pure than me and at her age! I must ask her for some of her answers.

Updated: 08:59 Tuesday, October 21, 2003