OK. ENOUGH of the doom and gloom of drugs, world politics, war and the price of fish.

It's time for a laugh - this is not the Evening Depress.

This also gives me a chance to take it easy and plagiarise the faux pas of others.

Apart from the porn and masses of emails urging us to buy Viagra or treatment to enlarge various parts of our anatomy, there is masses of humour to be had on t'Internet.

I am indebted to one lady reader, a woman of mature years who admits to being one of the great army of 'grey surfers' that stay up all night seeking enlightenment from the worldwide web, for the following.

They are the results of SAT tests for 16-year-olds across the water in Arkansas. We shouldn't laugh too hard, though, because one of them might just become president of the USA. Incidentally, I hear that George Bush's school exam papers were destroyed in the national interest, his teachers assassinated by the CIA to protect his good name.

Anyway, on with the SATs:

Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping the carpet still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you become intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with smoking. A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow (that child will go far!).

Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie.

Q. What does varicose mean? A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of contraception? A. Most people wear a condominium.

Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus and its characteristic features. A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman emperor.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'? A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome, Italy.

Q. What does 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you are eight.

Oh, out of the mouths of babes - there's always a giggle to be had from the young innocents. Religion has given rise to some wry humour, too, so when you put children and religion together:

A Sunday school class was discussing the Ten Commandments and when the teacher asked what was the last commandment, little Suzie raised her hand and said: "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother, Jason cried all the way home in the car. When his father finally asked what was wrong, he replied: "That vicar said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home, but I just want to stay with you."

Another Sunday school teacher asked her class why it was necessary to be quiet in church. A bright young thing replied: "Because people are sleeping."

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the start of the meal she turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked her to say grace. When the girl said she did not know the words, her mum said: "Just say what you hear mummy say."

"OK," said the girl. "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner, amen?"

Here's more on the church with a few gems from church bulletins:

"The sermon this morning - Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight - Searching for Jesus."

Announcement for a national prayer and fasting conference: "The fee for attending this conference includes all meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale, it's a chance to get rid of all those things you don't need around the house. And remember to bring your husbands."

"Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help."

"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."

"At tonight's service the sermon will be 'What is Hell'? Come early and hear the choir practise."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group meeting 7pm, Thursday. Please use the rear door."

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm in the Methodist Chapel. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."

And just to show you that Evening Press workers are not above such worldly errors, one member of staff produced a street bill, you know, those boards that stand outside news outlets proclaiming the headlines. Before it was spotted by an eagle-eyed colleague, his bill read: "Selby vicar helps torture victims." Come on, think about it.

Updated: 11:28 Tuesday, May 04, 2004