BE careful: it's a jungle out there. Or at the very least, a small farm.

Our first animal story takes us to the Danish Kitchen coffee lounge on York's bustling High Ousegate, which attracts a high-flying clientele including, on Tuesday lunchtime, a bat.

It is the first time the Diary can recall one of the nocturnal mammals venturing out in the city centre in the daytime.

The little fella really should have stuck to decaff, because he was soon going batty about the latte.

As the creature became more agitated, frantic phone calls were made to the RSPCA and messages left with bat experts.

Meanwhile, a plan was hatched between a customer and a staff member. They were to guide the bat into a box using the customer's jacket. After a few attempts, the man managed to cover the bat at which point it took the hint and left.

DISTRESSING scenes, meanwhile, on the River Foss near the DEFRA building. A one-legged gosling was being attacked by bullying moorhens.

The poor bird could not escape and was left to swim around in circles amid its tormentors.

One distressed witness called the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, who offered this compassionate advice: "Let nature take its course."

FINALLY, on the wildlife theme, the Diary has received the second Letter From Amphibia. This, those of you blessed with long memories may recall, is the dispatch from the two Great Crested Newts, Newton and Ridley, who have settled near Osbaldwick, delaying plans for the Derwenthorpe housing estate.

"Struggling to write the latest edition of the 'letter' as Ridley is sorting through his record collection: currently I am being regaled by Newt King Cole at full volume," it begins.

"Anyway, surprised to learn that the Joseph Rowntree Foundation consider our colony to be not 'viable'. We have survived on this site for many, many years before they came along.

"Indeed for us and our other amphibian friends to survive the long, hot summer of 2003 proves the viability of our habitat for breeding colonies.

"A viable breeding colony of us Great Crested Newts has to have a 500-metre radius left around us, the use of the word viable has a great bearing on the JRF housing scheme.

"Oh no, not Elton John's Crocodile Rock again. Turn it off Ridley, I want to watch Newts At Ten."

ROCK festival toilets have a deserved reputation for their utter horribleness.

But you have to feel particularly sorry for one unfortunate punter at the Leeds Carling Weekend who, judging by the evidence in one especially fetid loo, had found himself stranded with no toilet paper, and in desperation used his socks. Nice.

And a festival wouldn't be a festival without the shifty handful at the gates trying to get hold of a ticket from a tout. Except that this year, touts seemed thin on the ground (as did that other festival favourite - local "celebrities" freeloading in the guest area in the forlorn hope somebody would recognise them).

So you had to admire the spectacular foolhardiness of one fan who chose to ask, of all people, a burly security guard if they knew anyone flogging tickets. The guard took great pleasure in explaining that if he did, just how much he would relish booting them off the site.

A COLLEAGUE'S observation on the loss of 300 phone boxes from North Yorkshire: "Where will the Tory Party hold its meetings?"

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 08:56 Thursday, September 02, 2004