Is constant care and attention the only way to hang on to your hubby? JO HAYWOOD reports on a book that makes the Stepford Wives look like a bunch of feminist harridans.

THE title says it all really. The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands by radio agony aunt Dr Laura Schlessinger is causing a bit of a ripple in feminist circles. This compact little read (HarperCollins, £7.99) reveals how women can lead the way to a loving, lasting relationship with their man. Fair enough, you might say, but read on.

Dr Laura, as she is known to her fans, advocates not nagging, never refusing sex, always cooking dinner, letting your beloved play sport and watch it on TV with his friends, looking your best for him and generally making him feel good about himself.

"Women feel they are entitled to nag," she said. "It's got ugly."

So, we should literally lie back and think of England (or at least the England football squad)?

"It's nothing to do with submissiveness," she said forcefully. "If you are not being a bitch then it's assumed you are submissive. It's the other way round. Men are submissive to us. They have to be careful not to put us in a mood. It's a lot harder to change a woman's mood than a man's mood.

"I'll give you an example. Man comes home after a bad day at work, wife meets him at the door naked and says 'let's go upstairs'. He instantly forgets his bad day. Wife comes home after a bad day, husband meets her at the door naked - she's going to scream at him."

Dr Laura, a 57-year-old New Yorker who has been happily married to her second husband for 20 years, is a firm believer in the three As: appreciation, approval and affection. This basically means showing your man you need, admire and desire him.

Perhaps not surprisingly, she doesn't believe women with children should have careers; she dismisses feminism, saying it has severely damaged male/female relationships; and she refers to gays and lesbians as "biological errors".

She is not alone in such beliefs. Some 17 million Americans tune in to Dr Laura's talk show and her book has already become a bestseller, selling a million copies in its first four months of publication.

But does the good doctor actually practice what she preaches when at home with her hubby (and manager) Dr Lewis G Bishop?

"I've learned not to nag and to button my mouth more," she said. "A sharp mind in a feminine package is a delight. But men don't chase women for their IQ."

Heather Causnett, a former Evening Press columnist and still a regular letter writer, is a fan of Dr Laura's way of thinking.

"This is a breath of fresh air that might help to ease the confusion and chaos caused by feminism," she said, taking a short break from her job as a legal secretary at a York firm of solicitors.

"Not that long ago women were downtrodden and misused. They had good reason to want to do something to change their situation. But things have now gone full circle and women want everything.

"The biggest casualties are the children. Instead of their home being a haven and a place of safety, it is a battleground."

She believes men are now the downtrodden gender, unsure of their role and unable to express themselves, while women are too busy striving to have it all, to the detriment of their family.

"The woman's role is to care: to care for her children, her husband and her home," said Heather. "If she has a happy relationship, her husband will help anyway."

In her view, women with young children shouldn't work, and swapping roles is not an option.

"The man should still be the head of the household. He should be allowed to provide for his wife and children. If a woman wants a high-flying career, I would have to ask 'why have children?'."

Heather has two grown-up sons and three grandchildren. She stayed at home with her boys until they were three-and-a-half and then shared the childcare with her first husband, who worked shifts. She admires her own daughter-in-law for opting not to work, and is optimistic that more women may follow Dr Laura's lead.

"Women are not happy," she said. "They are casting around for help to try and make things better.

"Of course, people are not going to have their minds changed by a book. But it might make just enough impact for women to take those first important steps towards change."

Janet Hopkins, a 45-year-old mother-of-two from Clifton, York, is also optimistic - optimistic that British women will not follow in the footsteps of their American sisters.

As part of her social science and women's studies degree at York St John College, she wrote a dissertation on The Surrendered Wife, a precursor to Dr Laura's book that caused controversy with its central tenet that women should surrender their own needs in favour of their husband's.

"I saw a programme on Channel 4 about the book and I was completely incensed," she said. "I have been married for 15 years and have always enjoyed an equal relationship. I could not believe that any woman would want to be so submissive."

The Surrendered Wife was a massive hit in America, with groups being set up across the country by women supporting each other through the surrendering process. Janet was concerned that it might make its way over here, but now believes her fears were unwarranted.

"When I started doing research for my dissertation I discovered that women weren't really buying into it," she said. "I interviewed a group of older women. These were women in their seventies so they had all been in more traditional relationships. None of them wanted to go back. They were happy with the progress that had been made.

"I think books like this are a backlash against feminism.

"Their ideas are in complete opposition to what feminism stands for because they put women back into a designated gender role. Maybe some people think we have gone too far, but I don't see that a complete reversal is the answer."

This isn't to say, however, that she has all the answers herself. Janet is working on her masters in social work, mans the customer service desk at Sainsbury's in the evening and has just begun an 80-day placement at York Hospital as well as caring for her family.

"I sometimes feel I'm in a rat run, rushing from one part of my life to another," she said. "At those times, stepping back into a more traditional role is appealing, but I don't think it would last. The novelty would wear off pretty quick."

:: Dr Laura's guide to keeping your man...

Avoid being a nag or you'll be dumped

Cook dinner - it's good to talk at mealtimes

Let him play sport and watch it on TV with his mates. Women must accept and support their husband's "guy time"

Stop badmouthing your husband to your friends

Find one or two things to compliment your husband about, no matter how small, each day for five days

Say yes to sex. Even when you're not in the mood, there's no better way to get in the mood than by doing it

Wear make-up and look your best for your man. While women complain that men stop being romantic after marriage, they often don't stop to look at themselves. Too many wives become a frump.

...and how to lose him

Expect him to come home from a hard day's work to fold laundry

Turn him down when he gets amorous

Always point out that your sister or girlfriend has a better home, car, ring, wardrobe or holiday destination

Don't express any appreciation when he does something for you because three other things you want done aren't

Be disdainful and resentful that the qualities he didn't have when you married him still aren't there

Make him understand that any desires he might have (sex, food, home decor, etc) will be responded to as though they are a direct attack on you

Clarify by words or actions that you are entitled to express any and all feelings and that when you do, he is to accept and tolerate whatever you say and not offer any constructive suggestions

If he dares to express his feelings, he will be punished with yelling and pouting. But if he doesn't express his feelings, he's also in the dog house.

Updated: 09:10 Tuesday, September 07, 2004