Does Alien life exist? The question that has been asked for centuries is again on people's lips as it emerged that astronomers manning a giant telescope in Puerto Rico had recorded, on three separate occasions, signals that came across in an unnatural (to us on Earth) way.

This has led to speculation that they may have been transmitted by an alien life form.

They may well have. But surely it is time the scientific world wised up.

It is time they realised that they need not look to space for alien life forms - there are plenty here on Earth.

In this country alone they only need check out:

Any town centre on a Saturday night

Go after 10pm and you will see vast numbers of people exhibiting the marks of a true alien - glassy-eyed, vacant expression, unintelligible speech, even the green skin tone (though this usually manifests itself in the early hours, generally in the backs of taxis). These 'aliens' are also immune to extremes of climate, wearing cap-sleeved T-shirts (the men) and skimpy belly-tops (the women) in winter, as they crunch from pub to pub through snow.

The Houses of Parliament

The views of politicians are often totally alien to those of the rest of us. They live in a world so cut off from reality that they never have to use the everyday services that frustrate the rest of us. Further evidence as to their alien origin is that they don't seem to understand the language of the country they are living in: when do they ever give a straight answer to a straight question?

Bus stops near secondary schools

If ever there was a breeding ground for aliens, this is it. Here you will find teenage girls, many of them, all conversing in a series of ET-like beeps as they tap into their handsets. They don't seem capable of "normal" conversation and I strongly suspect they are engaged in on-going communication with the mother ship.

My house

I find it hard to get my head around the concept of 'light years', but having had it explained I have to admit that the term aptly describes the time it takes for my children to respond to instructions such as: "Tidy your room" and "get your clothes ready for school". And if my children turn out not to be aliens, my husband can definitely step into the void, or should I say Black Hole behind the garden shed, because that's where he languishes when I need something doing. He may not have green skin - fingers maybe - but is one weird extra-terrestrial.

I often find myself, mid-argument, yelling "YOU'RE ON ANOTHER PLANET."

Contestants on Big Brother

Judging from the last series, if they're anything like 'normal' I'm an alien.

Hang on a minute, maybe I am an alien. I frequently feel like I don't fit in, like I don't gel with the people or world around me. And I love looking at the stars, wondering what's up there. All those millions of miles away. Maybe I'm the alien and everyone I've just been ridiculing is 100 per cent normal. What a terrifying thought, but one I'm sure my husband, and probably quite a few friends, would agree with.

Updated: 08:45 Tuesday, September 14, 2004