THERE are some things in life you should be able to take for granted. Like the sun in the morning and the moon at night, we expect the Tories to stick to their twinsets and pearls.

Of course, I realise that not all Conservatives are ruddy-cheeked old buffers; not all Liberals wear sandals and hug trees; and not all Tony's cronies confuse guacamole and mushy peas.

But I really do object to turning on my radio and hearing that David Willetts, the shadow secretary for the department of work and pensions, goes home from a hard day at the office and unwinds by listening to Keane, the hot new popular beat combo.

It's even more disturbing to discover that Liam Fox, the joint Tory party chairman, not only rates Glastonbury Festival's transsexual hits The Scissor Sisters, but actually owns a CD of their music.

The unwanted information comes to us courtesy of this week's Conservative Party Conference, where there has been a fresh attempt to sex up the ailing Tory image, by the looks of it through employing the sort of pale-pink-rose, Cool-Britannia tactics formerly adopted by New Labour.

So where we once cringed at the sight of Blair and Oasis chatting over the canaps at Number Ten, now we must dry-retch at the thought of shadow defence secretary Nicholas Soames recounting the mess he made of attempting his first kiss.

"It may have scarred me for life," he said, and the nation may well share his lifelong trauma.

On videos beamed in to the party faithful during conference intervals this week, the entire 17-strong shadow cabinet team is being forced to talk about what they do on Sundays, reveal what sports they used to enjoy at school, and discuss their last good read.

The scheme may have been dreamed up by the successful Tory image-maker Lord (Maurice) Saatchi, but it's surely still a gimmick too far.

I think it's time for politicians to realise that 'rebranding' is not always the best way to keep people interested in your 'product'.

It's my belief that the great British public likes something that does what it says on the tin.

Can I recommend that the Conservative party stops trying to get hip, right now, before it ends up looking like the oldest swinger in town.

Can I urge its think tank to get back to basics, but not in the sense of 'romancing' an actress while posing for cosy pictures with your wife and family.

The policy-makers should instead study the marvellous website www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com, whose values the party should instantly adopt if it is to embrace the real heart of Britain.

The website even has a mission statement, which should impress the jargon-mongers at Tory Party HQ.

And what a mission statement it is. "I think we should all sit down and have a nice cup of tea and some biscuits - nice ones, mind you," it says. "Oh, and some cake would be nice as well. Lovely." Spoken like someone with their finger genuinely on the pulse of public opinion.

There's also a tea policy. It's water in first, naturally, although you can put milk in first, as long as you know that it's wrong. Even adding sugar is all right, especially if you are a builder. Use a teapot if you can be bothered.

There's a featured biscuit of the week, which if adopted by the Conservatives as a debating point would, I am sure, get more people talking in the nation's homes than any survey into how many of the Tory front bench team we can now recognise.

Updated: 08:47 Wednesday, October 06, 2004