Worst song ever recorded?

DESMOND and Molly Jones do not exist. But everyone has heard of them. In fact we can't get Desmond's barrow or Molly's job as a singer with the band out of our tiny little minds.

Their story is told in the Beatles track Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da. This song has become the latest to win an accolade for the Fab Four, but it is not one which will bring great pride to the group's two surviving members.

In an Internet poll, it was voted the worst song ever. That's right. The worst. Ever.

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da was never released as a single by the Beatles, although Marmalade took it to number one in December 1968. Nevertheless, it beat Gazza's dirge Fog On The Tyne to the top (or bottom) spot.

Surely there must be worse records than Lennon and McCartney's jaunty little White Album number. Asking around the office, several colleagues suggested various songs covered by ex-Star Trek actor William Shatner in his inimitable style - although Shatner's version of Pulp's Common People is the greatest song of all time, according to one sports writer. He's not been well, mind.

We needed some real expertise to consider this weighty topic. So we sought out opinions from York's most knowledgeable musical minds.

Peter Hope, of Cassadys second hand record shop, Gillygate, York says he is a "huge fan" of the Beatles but Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, is "not one of their best songs".

He thought the top five worst records "astonishing. Those songs are pretty mediocre but they're not that bad.

"What's that awful group that everyone dances to when they're drunk on holiday?"

He means Black Lace and their catchy hit Agadoo. Altogether now: Aga-doo, doo, doo, push pineapple, shake the tree...

"Aargh - now that's a lot worse. If you were trapped in a room and had to listen to Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da all the time you would think 'it's not that bad'.

"But if someone kept telling you to shove a pineapple up your a**e, it would drive you mad.

"What about Robbie Williams?" Peter was warming to the theme. "He's responsible for some of the worst songs ever committed against pop taste.

"He's an awful little man. He looks like Norman Wisdom."

Angels was a passable pop record, but "everything else by him is excrement".

If he had to select the worst Beatles song, it wouldn't be the one about Desmond and Molly and the marketplace. Rocky Raccoon gets Peter's thumbs down.

And most of Paul McCartney's solo career is similarly dismissed. Mull Of Kintyre would "torture you to death".

"I hate all the Christmas songs," fumes Peter. "I really hate all football songs as well - especially Football's Coming Home.

"Footballers speaking is worse than footballers singing but it's a close run thing."

What about the best ever song? John Peel, who died recently, famously chose the Undertones' hit Teenage Kicks.

Peter loves the energy of that single too. But is it his favourite?

"It depends on your mood. It depends where you are. It depends how high you are on your chosen substance.

"I have got to say that A Day In The Life by the Beatles is something I could listen to endlessly. I just love it.

"It's reflective and clever, something that pop music was never supposed to be."

Save for some heavy metal, indie and drum'n'bass artists, most modern bands are "dreadful".

"It's gone back to the Fifties. There's a mass production line. The market is dominated by idiots with silly hair and lots of teeth and tattoos."

Author Tom Bromley was brought up in Heworth, York, and went to Huntington School. His latest book, The One And Only celebrates one-hit wonders.

So which is the worst? Mr Blobby? The Birdie Song?

No, he says. They're bad but became hits due to "extenuating circumstances".

That cannot be said of the poll-topper. "With something like the Beatles' Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, they should have known better. John Lennon should have said 'Actually, Paul, I am not going to play that, it's a terrible song'."

Similarly culpable is legendary session musician Herbie Flowers. He created the unforgettable bass-line on Lou Reed's song Walk On The Wild Side. But Flowers' also co-wrote Clive Dunn's number one hit Grandad.

He can't stand Ashford and Simpson's song Solid, which reached number three in 1985. "It's unbearably smug."

Pushed to name the one hit wonders he most despises, Tom picks two. The first is the Muppets with Mah Na Mah Na, which began as a B-side to Kermit's nephew Robin warbling Halfway Down The Stairs.

"Mah Na Mah Na I completely loathe," confessed Bob Dylan fan Tom. "Once you've heard it you can't get it out of your head for days.

"It was actually written by Piero Umiliani as part of a soundtrack to a Swedish soft core pornography documentary in the late 1960s."

His second nomination? Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini which was a hit for Brian Hyland in 1960 and astonishingly reached number one when recorded by Bombalurina, aka Timmy Mallett, 30 years later.

"There's actually a Billy Wilder film called One, Two, Three. It's a Cold War satire from 1961, set in East Germany," said Tom.

"They used to play Itsy Bitsy as a form of torture to get people to confess."

Former music agent Neal Guppy has one song seared into his consciousness as the most irritating ever recorded.

"I used to have a mobile disco," said the man who runs Guppys Enterprise Club in Nunnery Lane, York.

"It wasn't that it was the worst record in the world but it was the one that set my teeth on edge: Simon Says."

A quick trawl through the book of British Hit Singles reveals that this was recorded by the US group 1910 Fruitgum Co and got to number two in March 1968.

"Wherever you went, people wanted Simon Says. It came up over and over again."

Despite being regarded as untouchably hip, the Sixties produced their fair share of second-rate songs, Neal admits. "Each era thinks it has the best music," he said.

He doesn't class Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da as a true clunker, however. "It's catchy. That's the reason why these things catch on.

"You don't have to think about them. For that reason they resonate, and then we hate them because they did resonate.

"It's the same with Abba. Dancing Queen has always been asked for, even to this day.

"You think, 'oh no, not again' but then you hear it, you want to dance to it.

"It's irritating but you can't help yourself. You almost despise yourself for liking it."

Another Beatles track, Eleanor Rigby, is a Neal favourite, although he can't understand the fuss about John Lennon's Imagine, which once topped a poll of the best songs.

"It's wishful thinking, and for that reason it goes beyond the pale."

Live music venue Fibbers has rocked to some great acts. The best gig recently was by Kasabian: "They just have great songs. Whatever 'It' is, they have 'It'," says Fibbers boss Tim Hornsby.

Without a moment's hesitation, he puts forward his nomination: "My worst tune of all time would be by a band called the Mighty Wah! It was called The Story Of The Blues. It was just a dreadful, dreadful dirge with no tune.

"The sad thing is it was written by a really good artist, Pete Wylie."

The Birdie Song is down near the bottom of Tim's barrel too. Has he ever played it in Fibbers?

"No, no, no."

One of his all time classics is All Right Now by Free. But he also rates Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da as "a great pop song".

"It tells a story, it has good lyrics, a memorable tune. It's the easiest thing in the world to write a song. It's the most difficult thing in the world to write a song that everybody else can remember."

Updated: 11:18 Thursday, November 11, 2004