SANTA needs a spin doctor. You would think that a fellow who dispenses presents and joy to millions of children would be universally loved.

But he's beginning to get on the Diary's nerves.

This week the flying philanthropist threw a most un-Santa like strop over his York appearance. When he discovered that his favoured pitch on St Sampson's Square was already taken by St Nicholas Fayre, the market named in his honour, he packed up his grotto and stormed off.

It was like watching the flounciest Hollywood diva discovering her trailer was an inch too short.

Being conciliatory types, we took it upon ourselves to contact Father Christmas and ask him to reconsider.

These days the old man is online. So earlier this week we sent him this email, via the website www.northpole.com:

Dear Santa,

My newspaper, the Evening Press, in York, England, said you won't be here in your grotto this year.

Many York children are really disappointed you will not be coming. We know you are busy, but will you reconsider and come and see us for a few days?

I am sure we can arrange discount parking fees for your sleigh.

Best wishes,

Chris Titley,

York,

England

PS Can I have a remote-control car?

SURELY that would elicit an explanation. A reply was forthcoming, but it was very disappointing.

Dear Chris,

I was so happy to receive your letter here at the North Pole!

Once my sleigh is packed and ready to go, I'll be off on my journey around the world. I'm reading your letter right now, and it looks like you've been a very nice boy this year. That makes me so happy. Keep up the good work!

I see that you like books. I like books too. Mrs Claus and I love to read every night in front of the fireplace.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Have a Merry Christmas!

Your Special Friend,

Santa

HE hadn't read my letter at all. He's a fat fraud!

No mention of York, and nothing about the remote-control car, either. And calling me a "nice boy" - who does he think he is, Larry Grayson?

It seems like Santa loves to revel in the fame and glamour of being a world superstar, but has no time for his fans.

And this for a man with less to occupy him than George Bush's peace envoy.

Santa should hire Max Clifford and smarten up his act sharpish. And the bearded wonder could start by losing a few pounds - doesn't he know there's a childhood obesity epidemic in Britain?

We normally leave out sherry and a mince pie for Santa, and a carrot for Rudolph. This year there will be two carrots and a glass of water.

EDDIE Vee is "definitely, absolutely" back on the box on Monday. His appearance on new show Beg, Borrow Or Steal, originally expected to be broadcast last month, is screened on BBC2 at 6pm.

York's Elvis is put through his paces by Jamie Theakston and his dungeon (all sounds frighteningly true to life).

Eddie, a veteran of every TV quiz show since Bernie The Bolt's day, was impressed by his VIP treatment at BBC Television Centre.

"I was in Jonathan Ross's dressing room. It's really luxurious, with a shower and TV."

What Jonathan thinks about this is unrecorded.

Eddie plays the Kings Arms, North Duffield, tonight at 8pm.

Updated: 10:48 Friday, November 12, 2004