When your mum is also a real mate

A GOOD friend can keep mum about your deepest darkest secrets. But what if your good friend is also your mum?

Blurring family relationships by socialising or working together (or both) can lead to problems.

The Duchess of York, who split from Prince Andrew in 1992, caused murmurs of disapproval when she declared she and Princess Beatrice regularly went out together in search of male companionship, or 'on the pull' as subsequent reports delicately put it.

But is this really taking the mother-daughter relationship too far, confusing the roles of mum and mate? And where do you draw the line?

"It's important to keep some boundaries which respect the fact that this is a parent-child relationship," said Paula Hall, Relate counsellor and psychotherapist.

"Mothers and daughters can't be equal. There's a disparity when you are a mother and daughter and being aware of that difference is a good thing."

Tadcaster milliner Joy Devine is very close to both her daughters, Liz and Kay. She sees both of them every day, socialises with them, holidays with them and works alongside property developer Liz at her hat shop, Simply Devine, in York Road.

"We've always been very close," said Joy, "so it was a natural progression for us to work together.

"We have had a few arguments along the way, partly because I'm not very good at going along with someone else's ideas if I don't agree with them.

"But we've managed to make it work because we respect each other's boundaries. At the end of the day, the shop is mine and what goes on in it is down to me. Liz handles all the paperwork."

She became especially close to her daughters after the death of her husband ten years ago. They regularly go to the theatre and out for dinner together, and are jetting off to Australia for a month at Christmas.

Joy can't see a time, however, when she will be introducing them to a new man in her life.

"I've not even considered another relationship," she said. "I'm sure my daughters would be absolutely fine if I found someone else, but I just don't think it's ever going to happen. You get very selfish when you are by yourself. I'm set in my ways I suppose, but I like it that way."

Like Joy, many mothers believe it is up to them to be a role model for their daughters, giving guidance, setting boundaries and providing a stable, continuous base.

"When you let go of that role it's hard to get it back," said Paula Hall. "When you try to do something that's saying 'I'm the same as you', it can make a daughter feel quite insecure. You lose the credibility of being wise."

Agony aunt and counsellor Zelda West-Meads believes mums can be mates with their daughters with one strict proviso: no retro teenage behaviour.

"Mothers should act their age," she said. "You don't want a 40-year-old acting like an 18-year-old. It's embarrassing."

According to Zelda it is perfectly acceptable - even inevitable - for family relationships to change and develop over time from mother-child to mother-daughter.

"The mother has to let go as the daughter creates her own independence," she said, "and comes back a fully-fledged adult."

Lesley Jones (she was Lesley Beattie until she remarried three weeks ago) works alongside her three children, Hazel, Adele and David, at Quantum Estate Agents in Walmgate, York. She also enjoys performing in amateur dramatic productions with her girls.

"We are definitely friends as well as family and colleagues," she said. "My first husband and I made a conscious decision to treat our children as friends from when they were very small.

"While most of our other friends were automatically saying 'no' to their children, we would say 'why?'. They knew they could talk to us about anything, and if they could justify what they wanted to do we would let them."

The foursome began working together five years ago. Perhaps surprisingly, Lesley said the move led to them socialising more out of work hours than they had before.

"When your kids have left home you have no idea what they are doing on a day-to-day basis," she said. "But because we work together I know what they are all up to and often get an invite too.

"The kids have also become even closer. They told me the other day they are going off to Italy on Boxing Day together. You would think after spending every day together they would be sick of the sight of one another by now."

But isn't this mixture of family, friendship and business a potentially explosive combination?

"Don't get me wrong; we do fall out and get on each other's nerves," said Lesley. "But the mutual trust and respect we have always pulls us through.

"They feel free to question my business decisions because they are my family and my friends. In a way I wish I had had that in my previous business."

And the name of her previous business? Friends.

Expert advice for the Duchess of York on maintaining a healthy mother-daughter relationship with Beatrice and Eugenie...

BEST FRIENDS: It is possible for your daughter to be your best friend, but you are always going to be her mother as well. Don't try to let go of the nurturing aspect. It will just cause confusion.

GOING ON THE PULL: Not a good idea. You are not on an equal footing. As the mother, you should be the guide and adviser. You may not necessarily be judgmental, when perhaps you should be.

CLUBBING: Go out for a drink together by all means, but then go to different clubs. What would your daughter think if she saw you keeling over drunk, chatting up a toyboy? Young women need to be with other young people and make their own mistakes. Mothers should be there to talk about it, not participate in it.

DRINKING: As a mother you need to be one drink behind all the time. When you are a parent you have a responsibility to your child, regardless of their age.

BOYFRIENDS: It's okay to talk to your daughter about the fact that you, as a single mother, fancy someone. She may be thrilled, but she probably won't want to come out on dates with you. Young women don't want their mothers to be promiscuous, so don't bring a man home if he's just going to be a passing phase.

DOUBLE DATES: Having a social evening as a foursome is fine, but it's probably better to organise something at home. Inviting your daughter and her boyfriend for dinner means it's easier to maintain traditional boundaries and a more natural mother-daughter relationship.

SUCCESSFUL SOCIALISING: Events which attract all generations are a good bet for mothers and daughters. Going to a club, where the oldest person in the room apart from you is 20, is not good for either of you. A barbecue, the theatre or a house party, where you know there will be a good mix of ages, are better bets.

Advice provided by Relate counsellor Paula Hall and agony aunt Zelda West-Meads, left

Updated: 08:49 Wednesday, December 22, 2004