THE Diary's quest to stage a Republican Ascot alongside the main event is already cantering along quite nicely/ under starter's orders/ racing ahead (please choose hackneyed horsey reference as preferred).

Our desire for a festival which non-royalists can enjoy had nothing but a name on Tuesday. Two days later and we boast a full line up of potential races, as dreamt up by the ever-creative Annie Wright from her Birmingham bolthole.

York ex-pat Annie has marked our card with races which are likely to draw the cream of the sport (royal colours barred, of course)...

1.30 BUTLER'S SELLING PLATE. Contestants write and sell a Royal "true story". The winner is the one with the highest advance.

2.15 SUCKER STAKES (Fillies only). Young fillies demonstrate their prowess at toe-sucking and sucking up to the elder royals.

2.45 GRAFFITI GALLOP. Riders are equipped with cans of aerosol paint spraying legible but meaningless slogans around the course.

3.30 YORK TRAFFIC

MANAGEMENT HANDICAP. Runners and riders race on a course littered with parked vehicles, off-limits bus lanes and traffic lights that randomly turn to red when approached.

4.10 CHARLES & CAMILLA

HURDLE. Riders must negotiate a multitude of gaffes, errors and contradictory legal advice to finally get their picture taken by a cook, Delia Smith, who yells: "Let's be havin' yer!" at them before claiming copyright of the picture.

Annie adds: "The Royal Enclosure will serve only Federation Beer and meat pies. Reduced entrance charges for spectators sporting large visible tattoos.

"The course will be renamed the Queen's Mire."

As a card-carrying knave, this Diarist is not sure about the last idea...

REPUBLICAN Ascot doesn't have to be a racing event, of course. We're open to all ideas here at our luxurious Walmgate offices/ poky cell at the Tower (delete as appropriate).

Annette Logan, of Acomb, York, has a suggestion.

"All the shops in York should hold massive sales, so that all the 'non-horsey' people can have some good retail therapy while having to put up with the hordes of nag-watchers descending on York in their posh, over-stretched TV and alcohol-lined limos, in their flimsy, over-priced outfits, and enormous 'who can outdo who' hats.

"The other benefit of this would be extra income to York trade, because those at the racecourse will surely find time to pop (or is that 'burst' after all the drinking and swollen ankles from standing hours on end) into town for a bit of shopping too."

We like this idea, and are sure York shopkeepers will cheerfully slash prices.

"Then again we could just all dress up as clowns and mix with the lavish-lot on the big green field," adds Annette.

More ideas welcome.

And we still haven't found a patron to head our procession. Nominations for Queen substitutes to the usual addresses.

Updated: 09:00 Thursday, March 17, 2005