IT'S a challenge Doctor Who would relish.. Britain is being invaded by a species of killer ladybird called the Harlequin.

It's bigger than our British ladybirds, more aggressive, and it's threatening to wipe out our native species.

The Harlequin, right, eats the same food as our ladybirds (mainly greenfly): but, apparently, it is greedier and devours far more of them. That's not all. A single female can lay more than 1,000 eggs.

And when it can't find any convenient greenfly on which to feed, the creature is quite happy to munch on other ladybirds instead.

This cannibal killer has already secured a foothold in the South East - and scientists believe it could spread quickly. Desperate times for British ladybirds everywhere.

You can just imagine the Doctor and his companions taking up the challenge in the good old days.

Of course, to make a suitable enemy, the Harlequin would have to have been the size of a pony (probably some toxic sludge leaked into the London Underground and a new, giant species evolved in abandoned tunnels without anyone noticing). It would have wobbled along on two legs, with four other patently useless ones sticking out of the side. It would somehow have managed to speak, in an odd, high-pitched, quavery sort of voice that was nevertheless truly terrifying. And you can bet it would have made its appearance right at the end of the first episode of a new adventure, tiptoeing stealthily up behind the Doctor and his companions and extending an arm to seize them as the closing theme music crashed out of the TV set.

Thankfully, by the end of the fourth episode, the Doctor would have miraculously discovered that the predatory Harlequins were peculiarly vulnerable to soundwaves emitted by his sonic screwdriver.

He would have rigged up a giant transmitter and broadcast the sound across the whole of the South East. Everywhere, the wobbling giants threatening humanity would have stopped still in their tracks, then suddenly crumpled in on themselves and flopped dead to the ground, legs waving feebly, as the soundwaves struck.

Mankind saved once again.

Stopping the real Harlequins isn't going to be so easy - not even with the Doctor about to make his long-awaited return.

As usual, it's mainly our fault that they are here at all. The species originally hails from Asia, and was deliberately introduced to North America and continental Europe as a natural method of pest control. Stupid idea. Within 20 years the Harlequin had become the most common ladybird in the affected regions, voraciously eating and out-eating the local species.

Now scientists fear the same could happen here. It was first spotted last September in Essex - and already there have been sightings across the South East.

They are so worried they have launched a massive census of ladybirds to try to find just how far it has spread.

Gardeners, farmers and wildlife enthusiasts are being asked to keep their eyes peeled and report any sightings to the UK Ladybird Survey.

So what do we look out for? Duh.

A small, round, shiny beetle with a red, orange or yellow back covered with black spots.

In other words, distinguishing them from our native ladybirds promises to be about as easy as telling real people from pod people in Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers.

Unless the new Doctor, with his 21st century sonic screwdriver, can come up with a way for us all to tell them apart pretty soon, I think our local beetles are doomed. There must be a lesson there somewhere.

ONE of my more fluttery, flirty female colleagues has just developed a sudden and incomprehensible passion for the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

"I love Gordon Brown!" she exclaimed, dancing across the newsroom yesterday.

The reason for this sudden, unbridled outpouring of affection?

The Chancellor announcing in his election budget that child benefit is to be upped to £63 a month.

Not having children, it left me cold. What I want to know is: when is the Government going to introduce Middle Aged Man benefit? There's a lot of us out there, and we all have votes.

Ian Drury is on holiday

Updated: 09:10 Friday, March 18, 2005