MANY thanks to my colleagues for keeping the Diary while I was away contemplating the true meaning of Easter (Smarties versus Mini-Eggs).

Now, where were we? Ah yes, Republican Ascot...

Our campaign to stage a counter event to the royal horsey hoo-hah is gaining Shergar-like momentum (and is destined for the same sticky end, no doubt).

Last week we offered a taste of Richard Lowe's contribution to Republican Ascot.

He foresaw President Blair and First Lady Cherie's motorcade tootling along the middle of Knavesmire.

Here are some more of Richard's ambitious plans, hotfoot from Holgate.

- All wine bars in York throughout be given a week's paid holiday, so they can show unreserved support for the great event (and bugger off to Tenerife)

- York police to deploy the new anti-terrorist laws to arrest any drunken reveller within a ten mile radius of Knavesmire.

They can be incarcerated in Terry's factory, paying for their own board (well, they can afford it...)

WE have a clear frontrunner as to who should be Republican Ascot's Queen-like figurehead. The name will be revealed tomorrow.

YOU are probably all Who'd out by now, but our verdict is: not bad at all.

The new Doctor Who series opener did not scare your Diarist into hiding behind the Radio Times in another room, as happened 30 years ago, but it was an excellent mix of spooky and funny.

All that was missing was the cliffhanger.

Needless to say, the show wasn't as entertaining as our own version, Councillor Who, which began last week.

Here is episode two...

In a desperate bid to escape the parking automatons, Councillor Who and his assistant Annie race into Parliament Street.

There they are confronted by an alien sight... row upon row of quadruple-length, triple-decker buses.

They scramble aboard. "Where are all the passengers?" demands the Councillor.

"You're the first I've had in ten years," reveals driver Evely. "Strange thing was, after the city walls were demolished to widen the bus lanes in 2020 all the tourists stopped coming."

"Just drive!" orders the Councillor. As they hurtle down Walmgate, Annie screams: "Stop!" Racing across to the Evening Press, she sees the paper's luxurious offices are boarded up.

A sign reads: "After inciting the parking riots of 2010, this newspaper was closed down by order of the council..."

Another thrilling episode of our futuristic nightmare coming soon.

EASTER is the traditional time for folk to spend more time with their DIY tools. Reader David Wardell is no exception.

"I just got arrested for fighting in B&Q," he emails. "I walked in and this bloke asked if I wanted decking.

"Naturally, I got the first punch in."

Updated: 08:50 Wednesday, March 30, 2005