THIS one comes under the heard-everything heading. City-bound 4x4 drivers can now buy the ultimate accessory: spray-on mud.

This new development allows the drivers of these large vehicles to create the impression they have been driving off-road in the muddy country when the only time they have left the road was to park on the pavement outside their children's school.

A few squirts of spray-on mud fools the neighbours into thinking these drivers have been racing along mud-splattered lanes in the countryside, pushing inconvenient ramblers out of the way, when all they did was get stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the local garden centre.

This new product is marketed by Colin Dowse, a business consultant in Shropshire, who came up with the idea in the pub.

The mud, which costs £7.95 a bottle is, apparently, selling well, especially in London and America.

Mr Dowse was quoted as saying: "If they want an authentic look, there's not a lot else they can do. There's not a lot of mud in Chelsea."

These absurd vehicles are all the rage these days and often attract the disapproving label of Chelsea tractor.

Anyone seeking a North Yorkshire equivalent could perhaps choose 'Harrogate tractor', although there is plenty of real mud to be found nearby.

The spray-on mud is harvested in Shropshire and bottled, after stones have been filtered out. The last thing the proud owner of gleaming 4x4 wants is to chip their paintwork while they are duping the neighbours into believing they have been having a high old rural time.

It's amazing what people will buy - no, not the bottled mud but over-weight cars that can drive up mountains, as the ever-irksome Jeremy Clarkson proved in a disgraceful stunt on Top Gear.

In general I don't approve of such climate-draining vehicles, which seem to be designed so that the more affluent you are, the bigger statement you can make against the environment. They seem to be saying: Look, I'm so well off I can do this much damage to the planet.

So that's it, I'm against these monstrous vehicles, really I am. It's just that if the useless pound I spend every week on the Lottery ever comes good, I rather fancy the Volvo version. This looks impressive, once you get over the dizzy inconvenience of having to carry round a step ladder so you can take an envious peek inside one.

That's the thing about trying to be a little bit green: it's easy enough having principles when you are broke, but if you've got money the world's your great oyster-coloured 4x4 monster.

HERE are other suggestions for spray-on accessories: hair (well, I'd buy it); a champagne hangover (fools people into thinking you've been to Ascot when you never left the office); Caribbean sand for the toes; replacement brain cells; memories of the round-the-world trip you haven't done yet; oh, I'm sure you can come up with a few of your own.

Certain politicians already make use of spray-on products, with a leading example being Tony Blair, who is never without a can of spray-on smile. Never mind how tough the going gets, an instant non-stick grin will see you through any tough situation, whether domestic or international.

The departing Tory leader Michael Howard has one too, although his is more of a sprayed smirk ("are you smirking what we're smirking?").

ALL these years in York and I've never been to the races, which seems remiss in the week when the world has come to the city for Royal Ascot.

There isn't likely to be another relocated Ascot, so I'll have to go to an ordinary meeting one day.

It's been strange living in York this week - cycling to work as normal, going out for a run as usual, but keeping away from my Knavesmire route. This exciting event has been going on a mile away and I've not seen a solitary horse or glimpsed a single race-goer, apart from those in the office.

Still, it sounds like fun.

Updated: 11:33 Thursday, June 16, 2005