So Tom Cruise has bought his fiance Katie Holmes a massive "adult pacifier" to stop her from screaming as she gives birth to their child.

And, just to make it interesting, Katie mustn't take painkillers, either.

Apparently, that's another female-friendly aspect of the teachings of L Ron Hubbard, the founder of Tom's religion, Scientology.

Mr Hubbard is reported to believe that a child may be emotionally scarred for life by hearing its mother yelling as she gives birth.

Accordingly, Scientology "elders" have been manhandling 6ft posters into the Cruise mansion in LA, all warning the heavily-pregnant Katie to "be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable" as she welcomes Cruise Junior into the world. Talk about Mission: Impossible!

If these reports are true, I'm amazed that Katie actually needs a dummy.

She must surely have been struck dumb the instant she heard Tom tell her that, according to Scientology, women should not cry out in labour.

By all accounts Katie has embraced Scientology and its teachings after taking up with Tom; but I really think they should check, in case her silence has been taken for assent when she's actually in a shock-induced coma.

I was left pretty much speechless myself when I heard about Tom's birthing plan. Apart from anything else, where did Tom get this adult dummy?

I suppose there may be specialist shops for such things. I've heard there's a niche demand among repressed former public schoolboys.

Still, I can't help thinking Nicole Kidman's the one who could really do with the dummy. How else is she to keep herself from uncontrollable laughter every time she remembers what might have been?

In any event, I hope Tom and Katie do start communicating with their baby at some point after its birth. Silence may keep its psyche in one piece and, if that means they can't discuss Scientology, they'll be doing the young 'un a favour.

But if they don't give Junior a few practical hints and tips occasionally, it'll probably join the ranks of the generation which, we are told, has no life skills.

A new survey has suggested that one in four under-30s questioned have no idea how to change a plug, bleed a radiator or sew a hem.

Apparently, they blame their parents, and I suppose they may be right, because by the time I was ten I could do all three, and I also knew how to knit and crochet, whether I liked it or not.

Parents aside, what happens to kids at school these days? When I was in my first term at secondary school, I had herringbone stitch and French seams drummed into me by my well-named housecraft teacher, Miss Tough.

I would have learned metalwork and woodwork, too, if my request to do so hadn't been refused back in those sexist Seventies.

Personally, though, I think there's more to this than the fact that kids haven't been brought up properly.

I notice most youngsters know their way around a DVD recorder and a home computer well enough; and you can't tell me mum and dad showed them the ropes.

This selective technological expertise reminds me of the way certain men go dyslexic over washing machines, yet understand remote controls; and of how I can't seem to suss out screen-wash reservoirs and oil gauges, yet know all about car heating controls.

Actually, I thank God we're not all self-sufficient. Something's got to keep society together these days and, if we can't do something, we may actually have to speak to another human being to get it sorted out.

Failing that, we could just get a load of 6ft posters telling people what we want them to do.