Dear Kirsten,

I've always been a working mum. I'm a single mum and my kids depend on my income.

I've always wanted to make sure I model the same things my mam and dad taught me about working hard and paying your way and teaching your kids about money.

Things have got really hard this year, I had some unexpected things to pay for and to tide us through I took a loan and another credit card to transfer the balance from my other credit card.

I've filled the new credit card and with the cost of things I'm finding it hard to cover my bills.

Also, I have run out of money in the middle of the month for the past two months and had to borrow from my family.

I haven't had this happen before for a long time and I felt mortified asking them.

I'm writing because I've noticed I'm not wanting to face things; I'm dreading looking at my account.

I pay for things and just hope it goes through at the checkout. I can't face opening the post. I feel sick every morning. I feel like I don't have anyone to help me - I have family but I've no partner and I worry at night most nights about how I can pay things off and what will I do if I run out of money again.

I'm finding getting up harder and going in to work is difficult. I feel like crying all the time. I know you can't help but I wanted to tell someone.

Name supplied

Kirsten replies...

The first thing I want to say is that you are absolutely not alone. A recent poll by Sky news showed that 60 per cent of us are feeling more worried than we were six months ago about making ends meet, with a third of us saying that we felt depressed as a result of the cost of living increase.

Your ability to look after your family hasn't decreased, the environment around you has changed.

I want you to know that wanting to avoid the problem is a normal human reaction, of course you don't want to look, it's incredibly anxiety provoking when your outgoings exceed your income and feelings of shame and helplessness can spill over into hopelessness. Feeling sick in the mornings and not being able to sleep are all signs that you're anxious.

Here are a few things you could try:

Self compassion vs self blame

I'd like you to know that the cost of living crisis - and before that, the pressures of being a single parent - are affecting hundreds of thousands of us.Try not to equate events outside of your control with personal failure, you are trying your best. Instead of repeating thoughts of self reproach try to focus on being deliberately compassionate towards yourself.

Finding a pathway through

As tempting as it is to avoid anything connected to your finances, avoidance isn't a helpful behaviour. It brings short term gain but keeps you trapped in a pattern of anxiety and low mood. The only real way to make progress through this is to find a way to begin to unpick your monthly finances and your debt. This is no mean feat, it's asking you to look at the very thing that is creating your distress and that can be hard.

You might be able to do this without support, you could try contacting the finance companies - many have flexible support for customers who are finding their mental health impacted by debt.

If starting to tackle it alone feels too difficult, talking can help and reaching out to the right support can begin to make a difference in how well you are able to plan a pathway though your current situation. Try Citizens Advice www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/ as a good starting point, they can support you with a step by step plan to help get your finances back into control. Step Change are a UK-based charity specialising in helping people with debt and difficulty making ends meet www.stepchange.org .

Keeping structure and routine

When we feel low we can find it harder to stick to our usual routines, small things can start to feel unmanageable and things can feel like they are spiralling, keeping to a structure and sticking to routines gives us something predictable and concrete to anchor ourselves to. Low mood thrives on avoidance, try to think about things that might help make your daily structure more bearable, it doesn't have to be about expenditure, small things can have a big impact.

Take good care of yourself

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

UKCP Psychotherapist

kirsten@positiveprogress.co.uk