Dear Kirsten, 

I've been with my partner for six years and we have two kids together. We still care about each other but things haven't been that great between us for a while. I think once the kids came we both got really busy and haven't had that much time for each other. 

I know I shouldn't have but a few weeks ago I was using his computer and I looked at his search history, it had quite a few gay porn videos on there from YouTube. 

I've tried to be open minded about it but I'm worried that it means something about his sexuality and I can't get over the thought that he might be gay - and that explains why things have cooled off between us.

I do really love him, he's a great dad and I would be heart broken if we split. Do I just say nothing?

Name withheld 

Kirsten replies:

My first thought is whether this is his search history? I can see you have two children together and that they are too young to be accessing this type of thing - are there any other kids in the house that might be curious? 

If it is your partner that is searching through the videos - it could mean so many different things.

It could just be fantasy - and a fantasy is just that, something that you are not looking to enact in real life. People's turn-ons don't always match their sexual orientation.

He could be curious, he could be having questions, he might be bi sexual or he could be gay - there are so many different reasons and grey areas to this.

There is a whole spectrum of sexuality that goes beyond 'gay' and 'straight'.

What does feel important is that you give yourselves the space and time to talk about it.

Telling him that you snooped on him might be hard, I'm curious about why you did it, an obvious guess might be that you are either worried about the relationship - and the reasons things have cooled off or you are struggling with trusting him at the moment.

Checking up can be tempting but it always runs the risk of finding something you might not like and then having to weigh up what you do about it. I think your best bet is to come clean, find a time that isn't rushed and explain what you have seen. 

Beforehand, it might be worth thinking through the various answers he could give and how you would feel about them. There is always the possibility that he has feelings for men and this might be difficult to hear - and difficult for him to have to say.

How would you react to that? There might be a middle ground where he shares other things about his sexuality - and it might impact on how you feel in the relationship.

He might be angry that you have snooped, or feel embarrassed that you have seen something he hoped to keep private.

I can hear how much you care about him and as this conversation might be a difficult one for you both, try to take a curious standpoint rather than a judgemental one.

There's another angle here, which is that it has nothing to do with the gender of the person on the screen and more to do with power and attraction and the things that are happening in your relationship.

There's research that shows some of our fantasies are often about power and it might be that what your partner is attracted to is the change in power dynamic.

Reading between the lines of what you have written it sounds as though as the kids have come along and things have got hectic, you haven't had to time to invest in the relationship.

It's so often the case isn't it? We need our relationships to be ok so we can get on with raising kids, holding down jobs, we can easily forget that they ebb and flow and sometimes we need to reinvest some energy back into them.

Maybe what's happening with your partner is a starting point for some honest discussions about how you guys are doing and what might need some work?

I absolutely get why this has really worried you, it could be so many different things and the only way you will know for sure is to talk to him.

After all this is the guy you love and it might be that something which on the surface would drive you apart - might actually bring you closer.

Take good care

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich

UKCP Clinical Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner