Dear Kirsten, 

My partner of 15 years and the dad to my two boys (aged six and nine) has been arrested, I don't want to give the details other than to say he isn't allowed to see the boys at the moment.

I think he might go to prison and I am really worried about what to tell them.

So far I've said that daddy is working away and he is really busy, both boys are quieter than usual and keep asking for him.

I don't know what will happen next with him or how long he will be away for.

He does love the boys and me but our relationship hasn't been working for a while and I don't see a future for us.

He has lied about the things he has been doing and I don't want them to have contact with him in the future - he isn't a good role model.

Should I keep telling them he is away? I don't want to upset them.

Name withheld

Kirsten replies:

Kids are really smart, even when we think we've sold them a blinder and they have believed what we have told them, they will think about it and come back to you with searching questions as they try to make sense of why he has gone away for such a long period of time.

Children will also fill in gaps in stories with their own logic and imagination and sometimes this can be really damaging for them, for example it's not unusual for a child to start to think they have caused the parent to go away, that it's their fault, they aren't loveable, etc.

In order to avoid that happening it's often best to be as truthful as you can in a child-friendly way, this can feel a bit tricky as you have to find the right words, giving them enough information for it to make sense but not overloading them with things they don't need to know - for example the technicalities of the reason he had to go away. 

Being separated from a parent is difficult for a child and it can temporarily rock their internal sense of safety.

They will need to look to you and those around you to help create a safe, predictable space so that they can get it back. For this reason, I would encourage you to get some support - it doesn't have to be counselling, just someone to talk through how you might tell them and help you get into a calm place where you can explain things to them and be seen as a safe but potent parent who can manage the things that are happening around them.

You need to give off an air of "I've got this - it's going to be ok" even if you are not quite feeling that way yet.

Get support from school, they will have seen this before and will have some ideas and tips on how to navigate it. Work with school to keep an eye on how your boys are doing emotionally - sometimes big feelings in little ones can pop out as tears, tantrums, behavioural problems and other actions that might not look like distress on the surface. Be alert to any changes as they could be giving you clues as to how this is impacting them.

Keep routines as usual; routines are great for helping children feel safe - even if they kick against them. Make space to allow them to talk to you about their feelings but also be prepared for them to surprise you and to behave as though nothing is happening, sometimes these things take time sinking in and children want to carry on playing with friends and having life as usual while they process what is happening around them.

It sounds as though you have some concerns about contact with dad in the future.

I don't know the details about the actions he has taken and your concerns could be really valid.

If on the other hand as you say he really does love his children it might be important to them and him that something is set up in the future.

It might be worth you taking some legal advice so you understand both your rights and his in the future.

Barnados have some really helpful resources and support services that can help, you can find them at www.barnardos.org.uk/what-we-do/helping-families 

All best wishes

Kirsten

UKCP Clinical Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner