Dear Kirsten

Since having my last child, I have really gone off wanting to be intimate with my husband.

I don't know if it is because I don't find him attractive any more or whether it is because I am afraid of getting pregnant again. This has been going on for two years now. When I look at my husband I feel repulsed by him physically, even though he is a nice kind person, and it is really starting to affect our relationship.

I feel under pressure from him to be intimate, so I avoid being in the situation where it might happen, or make excuses. I don't know why I have gone off him; I feel guilty that I don't want to be affectionate and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

As I don't understand why I feel like this, I don't feel I can't talk to him about it, so we avoid the topic. It's like the elephant in the room.

Kirsten replies:

Firstly, take some pressure off yourself, this is common in longer term relationships and there are many things you can do to move things forward.

There could be a number of things going on here and it might be worth talking things through with someone professional to find out what has created the feelings you currently have. 

The first question I would want to ask you, is how you found pregnancy, birth and motherhood? Are you afraid of getting pregnant again and if so, do you have a sense of why?

Many women find those early years of parenting difficult and wanting to avoid having it happen again until you're ready could be a really sensible move on your part.

Events surrounding becoming a mum - for example birth trauma - can stay with us lurking just beneath the surface.

If this resonates with you and you think it might be behind your feelings for your husband then talk to someone, a GP, a counsellor or a good friend to start with. 

If it doesn't feel connected to you becoming a mother, could it be that the roles and needs your husband met in you before children have changed?

There are patterns in relationships that when a child comes along, can't be maintained. For example, if your husband was used to handing the reins to you to take care of him emotionally, when something more vulnerable like a child comes along, you need him to step up and take care of himself and offer a different type of support in the relationship.

It might be that your husband is lagging behind and not able to quite get the meeting of needs in the relationship right.

It's hard to feel physically attracted to someone who you don't respect and who isn't fully engaging their personal power and putting their weight into the relationship.

I'm making a few assumptions here and it might be that they don't quite fit for you.

Do ask yourself what you need from him and look at how he does and doesn't meet that.

You need to gain some insight into these feelings if you are going to work with them.

There is research that when we have to caretake for our partner in some way, our ability to be intimate decreases, looking at patterns of caretaking in the relationship might be useful.

Keeping intimacy going in the relationship doesn't have to mean having sex, in fact if you were working with a couples therapist it's likely they would tell you to have a period of abstaining. How intimate are you both in other ways? Is this something you could begin to slowly build upon?

It's important to normalise how common not wanting to have sex is.

Have a read online and really let yourself know that this is something that happens to many women and men.

I'm asking you to do that because the next step I think you should take is to talk to him.

It doesn't have to be a personal, hurtful thing; you can tell him that you are struggling being sexual at the moment and that you don't fully understand it yet.

By not talking to him you are furthering the distance between you both and creating a pressure loop where you feel you have to have sex, the sex isn't great as a result and it bolsters you feeling it's something you need to avoid.

Finally, I'd want to quickly check out how you were feeling in general. Childbirth involves powerful hormonal shifts and these can impact our libido. If you suspect there might be more going on, have a chat with your GP.

This is a complex situation to navigate and having a chat to a professional could really help shift things for you.

Take good care

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich

Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner