DEAR Kirsten,

My mum is 67, she lives alone since my dad died a few years ago, and has been fiercely independent ever since.

We didn’t get to see her much through the lockdown but she mastered Facetime really well and we kept in touch.

She has been slowly losing her hearing and refuses to go and see anybody about it.

Now that I’ve been able to see her a little bit more, I’ve started to notice that she is repeating herself, she will start a story and then on the same call or the same visit tell me it again.

I think she has been doing this for a while I just haven’t really noticed. 

I took her shopping recently and she lost her keys in the store, she left her handbag in the toilets and heartbreakingly asked me if my dad was meeting us afterwards.

There has also been a few times where she has forgotten where the coffee is when making a cup and she was confused when she was trying to work the washing machine; she got there in the end, but it did take her a while and she was struggling to work out the settings.

My brother thinks she is just absent minded and that it’s going to be a normal part of ageing. There hasn’t been any dementia in her family and she has been quite anxious and low over the pandemic lockdown, could that be causing her memory issues?

Name withheld

Kirsten replies:

The quick answer is to say I’m not sure.

Stress, isolation, anxiety and depression can change how our memory works and it’s important that those underlying issues are looked at.

I can hear you are much more worried about this being something more and what that might mean for both you and your mum.

This is one of those times when the only real way to fully know is to seek some good professional advice.

You mention that your mum is very independent, I wonder if she has raised her memory to you as an issue?

It can be truly terrifying for someone experiencing cognitive decline whatever the reasons.

We can often deal with that terror by disconnecting or being defensive around the issue.

It might be worth you having some independent advice from your GP, sharing your worries with them would be a good start.

If your mum is talking to you about her memory and whether it is causing her concern, you might be able to try and talk her into coming to see her GP with you.

It is really important to have someone look at and treat your mum’s hearing.

There is a link between cognitive decline and dementia and some really promising early research showing that when hearing is stabilised there might be a stabilising impact on the cognitive decline.

This is early research and more is expected in the next five years, even so, it’s worth making sure your mum can hear well.

There is a really good resource by the Alzheimers society on looking at normal ageing versus more worrying cognitive issues.

I’ve popped the link here: alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/how-dementia-progresses/normal-ageing-vs-dementia  

It’s worth mentioning that there are so many conditions that can resemble dementia. As difficult as it is to not jump to the worst-case scenario, try to keep an open mind.  

When we start to consider something like dementia, our minds run forwards to the future and the implications for the person we love and for us as their carer.

 If your GP does suspect your mum needs a full assessment this can be a scary time for both of you and its useful to reach out for some support while you find out what’s happening with your mum’s memory.

While there is no cure for dementia, there are many things we can do to reduce the risk.

When we are diagnosed, there are many things we can do to manage and work with the condition.

If going to the GP feels too much at the moment, Admiral nurse helpline on 0800 888 6678, or email helpline@dementiauk.org can listen to your concerns and give you some impartial advice about your worries and what action to take.

While you take some time to connect with the right support, it might be worth thinking about your mum’s physical needs, is she safe in the home on her own?

Is she eating and drinking enough? Is she managing to care for herself through the day?

It would be useful to think about how connected she is socially, how isolated she is, as these are also factors in memory decline, low mood and anxiety .

Lastly, make sure you have a good support network and are able to talk about and share your concerns with people close to you.

All best wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich

Clinical psychotherapist and Neurofeedback practitioner