Dear Kirsten,

I'm single and 33, I was in a long relationship for most of my 20s, he left me last year saying he didn't feel the same anymore. I'm over it but we had planned to have kids together and I'm worried now that it won't happen. I'm from a really big family, my sisters all have kids and I feel bad about it but I'm jealous. 

I'm really scared that I won't meet someone in time to have kids. If I'm 33 now and I haven't met anyone and we aren't allowed out yet to meet someone, it could take years to meet someone and then we would need to date for a while before things could get serious enough for kids. I'm scared I don't have time and as every month goes by I worry that I'm not going to be a mum or have the family that my sisters have. 

My dad means well but he jokes all the time about me being left on the shelf and I sometimes think this is what's going to happen.

Then I worry that if I want kids this badly it will scare anyone off me or they will think I'm only with them so I can have a family. I don't know how people meet people anymore and I found Mother's Day this year really hard. I shouldn't go on Google but I have and I know that 36 is when things go downhill fertility wise. I feel like I've no way of making this better and I just want to have a family.

Name supplied 

Kirsten replies:

That's an awful lot of pressure to be carrying around. It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are "ahead" of you in creating their family. This doesn't mean that you won't be able to meet someone and have a family, it just means you are surrounded by people who have maybe done it earlier or found it easier.  

Your fertility won't fall off a cliff when you hit 36, there are reductions in our fertility that begin to speed up after 36 but much of the data this is based on dates back to the 1700s in France.  There are some much more up-to-date stats published by David Duncan that found 82 per cent of women aged 35-39 became pregnant within a year of trying.

You say you want to have a family and I get that you mean your own children, the great thing about your position is that you have time to really plan and make the most of how you want your family to be.

Worrying about whether you will meet someone or not is counterproductive, when we are anxious we are less likely to take part in social activities that make us more likely to meet someone. 

I want you to really let yourself know you have time, it might be worth looking online and seeing just how many cases of women there are having children in their late 30s. It might also be an idea to have dad lay off the jokes; well-meant but never the less, hurtful.

I think it is really hard for people to meet partners and I know anecdotally that while some people have found love online, many of us find it superficial and that maybe not everyone is there to meet someone and have a meaningful relationship. 

Yes, the pandemic is still here and yes, you've had a really limiting year of not being able to connect with new people. It's time to focus on what's ahead of you, the restrictions are lifting, things will start to come back to a new normal. It's time for you to plan how you are going to get out there - not just to meet someone but to start to do things that attract and interest you, its really likely you might meet someone along the way.

Try not to compare yourself to your sisters; I know that's hard, it isn't helping you though.

Try to focus on what is going well for you. If you were a mum tomorrow are there any things you would have regretted not doing? If there are, do them now if you can.

If you are still panicked about your fertility and want to get some insight into how your body is functioning, book an appointment with your GP. 

FSH and AMH tests can be good indicators of your overall fertility picture. It's worth pointing out that you don't need to be in a relationship to have a family. Lots of women choose to freeze eggs or to use a sperm donor to have a baby. Whatever you feel about those options, it's important you empower yourself with as much knowledge about the possibilities. 

You've got this.

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner