Dear Kirsten, 

I’m worried this might sound like moaning and I don’t mean it to, I know people have bigger problems than me at the moment. I’ve just gone back to work face to face after almost a year of working from home. I feel really stuck, like I’m on a treadmill, the work is fine, it’s not challenging but it is repetitive and boring. I’ve been there for almost 23 years, straight out of school and I’ve had one small promotion in that time. I feel invisible most of the time, fairly sure no one notices me or the work I do. I feel life is passing me by and I haven’t done anything with it. Going through the lockdown with so many people being ill or losing loved ones, it’s made me think about whether I’m making the most out of everything. I don’t want to offend anyone with this, I know people have lost their jobs and this isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. 

Kirsten replies:

As always, thank you for writing in, the theme that you bring will be relevant for many people. The first thing I notice is that you have wrapped the start and end of your email in apologies, you’ve almost discounted the importance of what you are struggling with by worrying that it doesn’t compare well with other people’s struggles.

I wonder if you are someone who struggles to be assertive or worries too much about the opinions of others? The feeling of invisibility you mention is interesting. Invisibility could be thought of as people not noticing you or you not making yourself visible. Ask yourself how comfortable you are with being visible to people? Are there risks associated with you being seen?  There are so many different sides to how we make ourselves visible, from how we hold and express our identity, how we dress, how we speak, our confidence - all relate closely to how we feel inside and it’s there that I would encourage you to start.

I can hear how stuck you feel and how you don't feel a sense of satisfaction with your work, part of me wants to gently challenge you to allow yourself to see your successes. It takes tenacity to stay committed to a role for 23 years, you must have well developed people skills to be able to relate and connect with the changes in staff you have seen over the years. Practising recognition of our skills is important - especially if you are thinking of a change in career.

You mention your worry that you aren’t making the most of everything and I’m interested that you’ve only mentioned work. It’s common for us to start to judge our worth in relation to things like career or education yet really, research shows that in the later stages of life, it’s family, friends and experiences that we look back on with pride and accomplishment. I’m unsure if you not mentioning family, social group, hobbies etc is because you feel similarly dissatisfied there or because you might not be placing as much importance on your accomplishments there.

It sounds like you are weighing up what comes next. It’s important you take some time to really think about what it is you want to change, what direction you want to go in, what you need to be different within your life to bring satisfaction. There are often questions that are hard to answer on our own, we can sometimes be a bit blinded to possibility by our old habitual ways of thinking. It might be that you take some time out - it doesn’t have to be a huge block, an evening would be a good start and use it to start to focus on what areas you like in your current role, what areas you want to change. Allow yourself to do some ambitious thinking- connect to old dreams, things you have enjoyed in the past. Practical exercises like vision boarding can be useful, however some people feel overwhelmed if they don’t have any sense of where they want to go. If this is you, try cutting out articles, news clippings, pictures that appeal to you and build a collection of things that grab you and can give you a directional steer. Coaching can be a real help - having someone alongside you supporting to you while work out the direction you want to go in. These journeys take time and patience, try not to get frustrated if it doesn’t happen quickly and give yourself permission to enjoy the journey.

All best wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA 

Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback  practitioner