Dear Kirsten, 

My son recently turned 12 during the lockdown and we tried to do a Zoom party with friends and family to keep a bit of fun in the day for him. He reacted badly on the day, he got angry and then spent most of the day in his bedroom, he wouldn’t come down and open presents.

He was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum in 2019 and we haven’t had much support with him through the lockdown.

The birthday has really upset us, we are worried we are handling his autism all wrong.

He is struggling with home schooling, he can go to school but he has got so worried about Covid he gets really angry if people don’t follow all the rules like mask wearing and social distancing.

He got very upset in a supermarket a few weeks ago when people came close to us to queue and he wouldn’t calm down.

I know there will be other families going through the same thing, I feel on my own with this and like I’m not doing very well.

Kirsten says:

That’s a relatively recent diagnosis for you both to adjust to. I’m curious to know if you had any support around the time of diagnosis and if your son understands what the diagnosis of Autism (ASC) means for him.

Some young people can find it hard to adjust to a diagnosis, whereas others find relief in having an explanation for the way they have been feeling.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can in very challenging circumstances. With the lockdowns and changes to how our normal life operates, both you and your son will have faced changes to your structure and have battled uncertainty.

 The lockdowns have been disproportionately difficult for young people with SEN (Special Educational Needs).  A survey by The National Autistic society showed that 9 out of 10 young people with ASC worried about their mental health during the pandemic, 85 per cent responded saying their anxiety had increased and that they experienced feelings of loneliness. 

Change, loss of routine and structure might be difficult for your son to process. Making sure you have clear differentiations between home time and virtual school time will be important. It might be that your son needs information explained in number of ways, visual timetables and instructions can be really useful and social story techniques can help him understand how others might react in situations.

His school will have a wealth of experience in supporting pupils with SEN, contact them to see how they can support him accessing learning, often a positive relationship with a named member of staff can be a useful hook back into learning if he has disengaged.

Young people with ASC often benefit from pre-planning, it’s important to think with your school about the steps needed to start to reintegrate him back into the classroom when we are finally allowed to return back to normal. Set small achievable steps and be sure to give lots of praise when he manages to make them.

Fear of Covid is understandable, communicate with him in a factual way about what is happening in the world, limit exposure to the news and other things that focus on Covid.

Keeping up some semblance of normality is important and doing everyday activities such as shopping will help gradually expose him to being back out in the world again. It will be very frustrating for him to see people not following the correct rules, whilst you can’t alter other people’s behaviours you could try setting him up for a more successful trip by taking him later on in the evening when it is quieter or to smaller shops where there will be less chance of crowding. Do a quick mental risk assessment when you go out and ask yourself if this trip is likely to build his confidence in being outside or undermine it, try and add in supportive parameters if you are worried.

It’s really tempting and completely understandable to want to make a fuss of him on his birthday. Commonly, young people with ASC dislike being the centre of attention, it puts pressure on their communication skills and styles and can make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. It sounds like you had planned a really thoughtful birthday for him, it might be worth asking him what he liked and didn’t like about his birthday, if he could have the day again, what would he change? 

It might be worth you contacting the National Autistic Society, they have some really good support programmes for parents designed at helping you support your son whilst not feeling so alone.

Kirsten Antoncich is a UKCP accredited Psychotherapist, neurofeedback practitioner and a fellow of the Royal Society. She works with children, young people and adults from her base in York.

To ask her a question in complete confidence, please contact her via www.kirstenantoncich.co.uk