Dear Kirsten, 

I am so fed up with the lockdown, I just feel really angry and bored with it all. I'm home schooling two small children while trying to do my own work. The kids are driving me mad, I can’t get them to focus, I feel like they are testing me all the time, I’m not sleeping well and when I do get to go out to the shops I feel a bit panicky, I just feel fed up all the time, every single day is the same.

(Name and address supplied) 

If we could take a litmus test of the UK at the moment I'm pretty sure we would hear echoes of exactly how you are feeling, in most houses. This lockdown feels different somehow doesn’t it?

If I think back to the summer, people leaning out of windows clapping for carers and the whole sense of camaraderie/ in this together that we all had, it seems so much less now. I'm not wanting to discount what you are saying - rather try to normalise parts of it by letting you know that even when we feel like it’s just us struggling - there’s often more people struggling than you realise.

To chuck some sobering facts in about how we are all fairing : Kings College found that one in four of us are really struggling this time round, feeling worn down by it all and for some of us this means finding it harder to stick to the rules. 

Some 44 per cent of people surveyed found that the lack of contact with friends and family was really getting to them and that the financial pressures of January and the cold wet weather added to the feelings of isolation.

We pivot through our year with a number of scaffolding things to look forward to - there’s Christmas and then afterwards we start to look to the summer, given that we’ve been told it’s likely to be a staycation year (again) we lose the very things that bring change, break our year up and give us something to look forward to. You could minimise this as being a bit of a first world problem but we know when we start to lose things that matter to us, we start to lose hope.

It sounds like both you and your children are in a parallel process - feeling the same level of uncertainty and isolation but showing it in different ways. Little brains don’t have the full language and thinking skills to put into words just how hard this is for them - they show us with their behaviour . On a good day - before the pandemic you would probably be able to stand back and see the behaviour as a communication method, because you are living the same difficulties they are it gets harder to see- this is completely understandable given what you are facing.

Helping your children to express what’s really going on might be useful, even using something like emoticon pictures at the start of every day to see how each of you are feeling. Talking with them about how hard this time is and how it will pass helps them understand that there is an end point and that their feelings are normal, coming up with solutions as a family can be creative and help you feel as though you’re not carrying the weight of it alone.

The anxiety you are describing whilst going out is something that is creeping in with many of us - when we get out of the routine of seeing people and going out, our comfort zone starts to shrink, it takes time to build it back out again. Try starting slowly, think about small challenges involving social contact but stay away from anything that feels overwhelming for now. We are all going to have to readjust slowly when we are allowed back together again.

As the pandemic continues we are learning more about what keeps us feeling mentally well. Having a long term project that you can focus on in your down time has been shown to be important, those of us doing DIY, talking a course, doing their family tree etc are fairing slightly better than those who don’t have anything to focus on. Try to limit your news exposure, ironic given I'm writing in a newspaper, try not to watch Covid related content on TV and try to minimise the conversations you are having about it.

Lower the expectations you have on yourself and your kids, if they can’t focus they will still be ok. Try to connect with people, even when you are fed up of Zoom and feel like hibernating, try and force yourself to connect, it’s important. Finally, if it’s too much, reach out, there’s good support out there waiting if you need it.

Kirsten Antoncich is a UKCP accredited Psychotherapist, neurofeedback practitioner and a fellow of the Royal Society. She works with children, young people and adults from her base in York.

To ask her a question in complete confidence, please contact her via www.kirstenantoncich.co.uk