Dear Kirsten,

I’m dreading Christmas this year, I don’t have any family close by so we usually go to my husband’s family.

I like his parents however I really struggle with his brother. He is very opinionated and every time I’ve seen him he finds a way to put me down or slight me.

Sometimes it’s hidden and I know people won't have realised that he’s said anything wrong, there are times when he has made really rude comments about me over dinner and I feel pushed into defending myself but end up getting upset.

He is very mean to my husband and badgers him so he gets flustered and pushed into answering questions that are usually aimed at making things my husband is doing with his life seem stupid. Even thinking about going there for Christmas gets me anxious and angry. I know I won’t enjoy my time there and I feel resentful that my Christmas is ruined by him but stuck because they are elderly and I don’t want to stop my husband from seeing them.

(Name supplied)

As a therapist I should probably say something neutral about your brother-in-law, really though, he does sound very difficult to be around. Initially, when I read the first part of your email I was thinking “ don’t go”, no-one should sacrifice their wellbeing to please others and Christmas feels like something to focus on after all the difficulty Covid has brought us. I can see the added dilemma with the age and possible frailty of his parents and how torn this is making you feel.

I wonder if your brother-in-law is actually very insecure, from the way you describe him he seems to need to dominate the conversation and take up conversational control. It seems as though he is trying to illuminate flaws on others to detract from some of his own issues. It’s interesting that this goes unchallenged by the family and that you find yourself in the unenviable position of being the only one trying to find a way to change the situation.

There’s a really useful set of questions to work through when you are facing a dilemma like this:

Can you change the situation?

Could you work together with your husband to find a way to diffuse the conversations before they start to get heated? Try moving the subject of the conversation away from the areas he is directing it to. You could also try “going underneath” the conversation he presents; for example if he starts to make comments about you - you might  repeat them back at him as a question “are you saying…”. This way you are highlighting his behaviour to him and the others around the table, you are making a stand and asking him to elaborate on what he has  said. Using skills like paraphrasing is a really powerful technique to use that stops the person being able to put you on the back foot. 

If you find yourself getting flustered, take a pause and calm your breathing whilst you gather your thoughts, these type of conversations often depend on you feeling defensive and impulsively answering. There is the option of talking to him either privately or if you feel confident enough, trying it in the moment. This is bullying behaviour, by highlighting to him that you find his comments offensive you might stop or at least change his behaviour.

Can you change how you feel about the situation?

If you are unable to alter any areas of the situation, we have to look at how we can stop it having such a significant impact on you. A question to ask yourself is why this man’s opinion matters to me? It sounds as though there have been some longstanding sibling issues between the brothers and your husband's way through this might be slightly different to yours. If you can start to see underneath the aggression and see your brother-in-law as a person hiding insecurities it might help you to allow his comments to wash over you.

It might be worth reflecting on whether the comments and behaviours hit a nerve because you have experienced this type of behaviour in others in your past. Sometimes when we feel things strongly in the here and now, it contains echoes of memories from the past making them feel more powerful and important than they are.

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich is a UKCP accredited Psychotherapist, neurofeedback practitioner and a fellow of the Royal Society. She works with children, young people and adults from her base in York. To ask her a question in complete confidence, please contact her via www.kirstenantoncich.co.uk