Dear Kirsten, 

I feel really lonely, I have done for ages and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m 28, I don’t have a partner and most of my friends from uni have moved on. Everyone at work is busy and they all seem to have their own groups. I have had friends and I do have people I can go out with, I just feel like no one is really bothered about me and then if I feel like they don’t really want my company I don’t like pushing myself on them so I end up being a bit stand offish. If I really needed someone in a crisis, I’m not sure there is anyone that I can call, there isn’t a friend that I feel that close to. To top it off I feel really embarrassed to even write this.

(Anonymous)

I really want to normalise loneliness, it can feel like it’s just you feeling this way but really, it’s everywhere.

Loneliness is one of the most common issues I hear about in sessions, it wins hands down, more common than anxiety, more common than low mood, in fact loneliness often sits just underneath some of our most common mental health conditions. And no-one really talks about it.  

Even though many of us feel this way, we feel embarrassed to share it with others, there will be people you walk past everyday that look pretty happy but are carrying around intense feelings of loneliness. Because that’s what we do as humans isn’t it? We put on our game face  and carry on.

You don’t mention the pandemic and it might not have been a issue for you, however it’s worth mentioning that with the onset of dark nights (and lockdowns) our social opportunities decrease - often alongside our motivation to connect and it increases our sense of isolation.

I would imagine that most people reading this have known their own form of loneliness, it takes many shapes - for some it’s having no one they can call, no one they feel connected to and for others its being surrounded by people but feeling like no one really gets them. 

Your feelings of loneliness are just your brain’s way of telling you you need more connection, rather than feel embarrassed about them treat them as a call to action and make connection your focus over the next few months.

Challenge your assumptions

“Everyone at work is busy” 

It will probably look like everyone at work is busy but what we present to others either in real life or on social media is often part what we want others to see and part what's really happening for us. Try not to be fooled by people’s external appearance, running the risk of rejection is frightening however often our fears are unfounded. 

It’s worth spending some time looking at what we call core beliefs - themes in your thinking. For example, the idea that people don’t care might be a theme for you. It’s good to stay open to the possibility that this might not be true, try writing down the evidence both ways and paying attention to the negative spin you might be tempted to put on your friendships. 

Get to know your patterns

A really human thing to do when we sense rejection is to pull back, the problem comes when we pull back from perceived rejection rather than actual rejection. If you are quick to feel rejected and withdraw from friendships, understand that this is a pattern of yours and take a pause before acting to make sure you are acting on logic rather than emotional reasoning.

Build on existing connections

I suspect the idea that your friends don’t care is more of a feelings-based assumption so I  want to set you a challenge of making contact with the members of your circle. Checking in with them, ask them about how they are doing and see what comes back to you. My sense from your email is that you might need to take some risks and make the first step towards people. There will always be people who don’t respond in the way we would want them to, try not  to let this put you off.

Look for new opportunities

There are so many opportunities to connect online and in person. Investigate online groups or try a face-to-face service like meetup.com which gathers people together based on shared interests (online currently).

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich is a UKCP accredited Psychotherapist, neurofeedback practitioner and a fellow of the Royal Society. She works with children, young people and adults. Please contact her via www.kirstenantoncich.co.uk