RECENT research shows that high levels of anxiety have occurred particularly with couples.

It has been said that marriage or long-term relationships need to be like two pillars with air in between. Normally relationships have space by going out to work, which allows a degree of refreshment when a couple come back together. Lockdown has forced individuals to live more in each other’s pockets than normal.

It reminds me of when we used to by single records. In bygone years we would buy a single record of the top song at that moment. However, on the flipside, there would usually be what was called a ‘dud song’ that never became popular. Relationships can be like this. We can maintain a degree of the best of us for a while, but sooner or later we have to meet the ‘flipside’ of our personality and a sweet relationship quickly becomes a ‘Cold War’ situation.

We expect unconditional love but end up with manipulation. We long for sympathy and empathy but our partner now knows our weaknesses and knows where to twist the knife. What is required is not a distant rainbow that becomes an illusion but a relationship that is intimate and works together for both partners.

One of the reoccurring problems in a relationship is that we often give to our partner what ‘we’ actually want. A simple exercise for this is to list three things you think your partner would like. This might range from going for a walk, watching a movie together, finding a love note or having an unexpected hug. Then ask them if you have guessed right. If you keep giving to your partner what you think they require, rather than want they actually want, you will keep missing the mark. Cooking a partner a meal when what they really want is a hug, leaves the relationship short. Humans are emotional beings. It is OK to have needs, this is not a sign of weakness. Just as we require food, air and warmth, we also need acceptance, respect, attention, affection and security. These emotional needs can only be met by emotion in return. Buying a new dress is no substitute for affection, qualifications will not answer the need for security. The need for affection can only be met by affection. The need for respect, can only be met by respect.

However, we all have our own personal requirements of these intimate emotional needs. This is where understanding our partner’s DNA of emotions is essential if we are to meet their needs. It is when a person is unable to empathise and see things from their partner’s point of view that a relationship hits the rocks.

A second exercise is to see if we know the top three intimate requirements our partner prefers. This might range from security, respect, encouragement, approval, appreciation, affection and acceptance. These are the requirements that can make your partner feel loved. On the whole, these needs tend not to change over a lifetime. So, once you know what your partner requires, you then have a recipe for life. Keep providing them and your partner is more than likely to feel their emotional needs are being met.

The reality is that intimate long-lasting relationships are a contractual agreement. Whether signed in law or not, it requires both parties to maintain the agreement for the partnership to last. The relationship is only as strong as it is in the present and cannot rely on past experience. A marriage certificate or a romantic agreement in our youth will not sustain a relationship if we are not constantly feeding and caring for the partnership today.

A new factor in most households is the fact that one or both partners may be working from home. On top of this children may be home schooling. It is no wonder therefore that there is more tension in the household. But the principle of meeting the family’s emotional needs are just the same.

In marriage preparation, I would often encourage couples to have a weekly agreed time to just talk about their relationship. After all, in a work environment, it is normal to have a weekly staff meeting to keep everyone on track. A long-term relationship is no different. This equally applies with a family household. Listening to one another allows people to feel valued and lessens any hidden tension. Agreements can then be thrashed out about how everyone can have the space that they require. Remember, in every home, each individual may have very different requirements. Some need a time of quiet, while others desire noise and activity around them. In the end, it is regular open communication with each other that prevents resentment from being built up and over spilling.

Next week we will look at the baggage we bring into relationships.

Dr Bill Merrington is a therapist and chartered psychologist (bmerri.com or contact info@bmerri.com)