COLUMN: Bill Merrington on having meaning in your life

WE have now reached M for Meaning in our PERMA approach to well being (PERMA representing Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievements).

They say it’s not a birthday without a cake, candles and of course, a birthday wish. Alas, most of us give up the wish within two weeks, just like New Year resolutions. This seems even more so as we get older and have time to reflect on life. We put a positive edge on it by saying 50 is the new 40, but it's really like saying rain is the new sun. It just doesn’t answer the nagging thought of where we have ended up and what we want for the rest of our lives.

We have to find ways of re-inventing ourselves, as we grow older in an ever-changing world. This is where ‘meaning’ becomes important.

Psychologists suggest that a fulfilled life needs to incorporate pleasure, engagement and meaning. To flourish in life, a key question we have to answer is, ‘why do I have to do this and what is the meaning to my life?’ An examination of what it means to live ‘meaningfully’ can be very relevant to those in mid-life.

It can seem that life without work is a vacuum, but when work becomes soulless, life equally becomes empty. We know that staying mentally healthy requires a sense of autonomy where we feel our actions are self-chosen. We need to feel competent where we are effective in our activities. We also require relatedness ie: feeling close to others. All of this helps to build our self-esteem. Meaningfulness can come from holding specific beliefs about life and pursuing specific goals in life. We might think of it in terms of a job or a career or a calling. However, if they are focused on fame, fortune and success, they tend to have limited long-term benefit.

Martin Seligman talks about using your ‘signature strengths’ in pursuit of something larger than yourself. This creates an outward looking perspective of life. People tend to draw meaning in life from multiple sources such as family, religion, work, love and personal goals.

Life is like sailing in a yacht across a gigantic ocean. You have a goal or destination to head towards but along the way they are many ports, twists and turns as you handle the weather that is thrown at you. Our different personalities and abilities reflect different shaped yachts with different coloured sails. There are different ways and routes of reaching our individual destinations. However, all require stopping off points as we assess our journey and process what is happening. The key is to have some aim and purpose and then appreciate the view along the way. Worrying about the end destination can make us miss out on the pleasures along the route. Equally having a target for our life helps preventing stagnation. How do you know if you are stuck if you don’t have a destination? Our aim might be a faith development of our personality and how we engage with others, or it may be related to helping our family, a specific charity or course.

We can at any point choose to reorder and regroup to have a more adjusted balanced appraisal of life. Without a sense of meaning, a person can feel hollow. Despair is when we have nothing to love, or look forward to or take interest in. We need to find a meaning in our lives that gives us purpose this week, next month and next year. This might require a change in our judgment and outlook on life. So that we begin to see our glass half full rather than half empty.

It can be helpful to think about oneself in terms of ‘me when I was at my best, me at my best now and when I’m in my element’. A kind of ‘Billy Elliot’ awareness of what you love and want to become. It doesn’t have to be a ‘grand’ idea but enough to motivate you to have purpose, as your life progresses. These are affirmations that you need to repeat to yourself in your thoughts and feelings. This affirms your acceptance of yourself and your life situation. However, it needs to be true, feasible, credible and not just wishful thinking.

Having meaning in your life gives you purpose and builds on your values of life. It provides efficacy, a belief that you can make a difference. I think of a lady cleaner who loved looking after the plants in the office rooms where the owners just didn’t have the time. Small things can give us motivation and fulfilment each day. All of this adds to your self worth, that you are a good, worthy person who can be loved and can give love. I think of an Afghan man who started a school for girls. The community was against it and regularly took his goats as payment to allow it to continue. Why did he continue? His reply was to hold up a religious book and explain that he had never read it due to being unable to read. “I’ll pay any price if I can help one child learn to read, then my life is worthwhile.’ Here is meaning, love and compassion. I wonder what would make your life more meaningful?

Next week we will look at the importance of having achievements in ones life.

Dr Bill Merrington is a private therapist and chartered psychologist working in the York district (bmerri.com or contact info@bmerri.com)