BILL MERRRINGTON looks at coping with relatives this Christmas

HELP, its Christmas Eve and I’m having to spend time with my relatives. Will it be the same as other Christmases? Everything starts well, but after a bit of drink and relaxation, the jokes start and then it gets personal. It might be sport, politics, money or the family’s history. All year we have survived by keeping these topics hidden under the shelf and making sure they don’t raise their heads.

So what is it about Christmas that makes it so volatile? First, we all tend to be looking for a cheerful, enjoyable Christmas break that lifts us from the dark winter season. We come therefore with high expectations, which tends to make us lower our guard. Secondly, we find ourselves staying with people in a small area for a longer period than normal. Thirdly, when returning to parental homes, we tend to revert to our childhood attitude and are often treated as if we are still the child. Our partners will often notice our change of behaviour when with parents and siblings.

You then add excessive food and drink. No wonder little or large explosions occur. So what is the answer? Is it possible to spend time with relatives and not see it turn sour? I think it all depends on some forethought and careful planning.

The key is not to repeat what has happened in the past. This means we have to change the situation in one form or another. Don’t just go assuming this year it will be OK. If you want things to be different, you will have to have a strategy.

Think through where it went wrong last time and consider what you can do to change the situation. Try talking to your relatives about how together it might be more of a stress-less event. There is a tendency not to discuss issues before hand. But this just produces an elephant in the room waiting for you. See if you can all agree topics you will not talk about at Christmas time. If it a family matter, agree a different time to deal with the issue. Otherwise, it will always be on people’s minds and everyone is wondering when the subject will arise. So when the topic does pop up, you can clearly say that we have all agreed to deal with this at a more appropriate time.

The more you can get others on your side beforehand will give you more confidence to relax.

Next, recognise that you can’t control other people but you can control yourself. So, agree with yourself about your behaviour. How much will you eat and drink? Decide what you can comfortably accept. Have a strategy of easing the situation for yourself. A timely visit to the bathroom can break the tension. Engaging in tidying up or washing the dishes breaks the ice and can change the dynamic. Sometimes it just needs a few minutes of silence to allow everyone to get some perspective. Going for some fresh air or taking the dog for a walk gives well-earned space.

If you can’t get away and feel trapped, simply acknowledge what the other person is saying and express that you understand where they are coming from. This is not agreeing with them, but it can cause the aggressor to relax for a moment. Allow some silence in the conversation. Anything that gives room for reflection can ease the situation. What you want to achieve is a win-win situation for everyone. Here, we all save face. A little humour can help. But be aware when drink is involved, as it can be misconstrued. If you are able, acknowledge the emotion in the room. When a person feels they are being emotionally understood, they are more likely to feel less aggressive. It helps to echo back what you have heard to make sure the other person feels understood and to check in we have heard them correctly. It may be worth saying that you are happy to talk about this at a more convenient time, but not over Christmas, especially if children are present.

If we can think about the hurts that lie underneath the argument, it can give us some empathy for the other person and it enables us to handle the situation with more control.

Finally, we have to recognise that there is in some situations, a time when you just have to say, “I’m sorry but this is not tolerable and I must leave". Removing yourself before a situation becomes volatile and physical is far wiser than sitting and just taking the abuse. It may mean you have to leave quietly without telling anyone. So be it. You can always phone afterwards and apologise and let them know you are OK. Your health and safety comes first.

Once you have your strategy, relax and enjoy Christmas. I wish you all a peaceful Christmas.

Dr Bill Merrington is a private therapist and chartered psychologist working in the York district (bmerri.com or contact info@bmerri.com)