BILL MERRRINGTON looks at the issue of Christmas and loneliness

CHRISTMAS with all its noise and colour can be for many a very difficult time of the year. Two reasons stand out that can cause heartache at this time. First, it is the epidemic of our society, loneliness. Secondly, it is the difficulty of handling a loss situation.

Over half million over 65 year olds will be on their own this Christmas. We are told that five per cent of the population feels lonely all the time. There are various reasons for this. We now live socially disconnected to one another, often not knowing our neighbours.

Families now live scattered across the country or live abroad. Now that people are living longer, this results in more elderly people living alone, especially women.

On top of this, as Christmas approaches, many of the support services are having their well-earned breaks. So the very people that individuals rely on may well be away with even the neighbour not being available.

The TV gives a message that Christmas will be great, but alas TV doesn’t provide what many require: human contact. There is also a stigma of being alone. It takes courage to ask for support at this time of the year. A person might not want anyone to know about his or her situation, which leaves the person in a Catch 22 position.

Now we have to recognise that some people just love having some peace and quiet and are perfectly happy with there own company. But if that’s not you, what can you do about it? Well, it won’t help just feeling sorry for yourself. We have to think about how we can make this season a positive occasion. If we are helping someone we need to ask what the person actually would want at Christmas. We can easily make the wrong assumptions.

Let's recognise that Christmas is about looking back and to the future. This can naturally incorporate a degree of sadness. Sadness is fine as long as we don’t allow it to engulf us. Set a time to remember, but then close the door to the thought and focus on something more positive.

To make Christmas work always requires some planning. If you are alone, you can still plan to have some special favourite food on Christmas Day. It is important we make an effort for ourselves. Better still, think about asking someone to share the meal with you. But ask now before others make alternative plans. Don’t be afraid if they say ‘no.’ At least you tried. Ask around if there are voluntary organisations, such as a church, Rotary, Salvation Army, Silver Line etc, where you can link up.

Some put on special lunches for these occasions. Beginning to foster friendships is an initial challenge but friendship has to start with someone making the first move.

You could choose to save your Christmas cards till Christmas Eve to open. Getting cards from old friends brings back nostalgia. The TV and radio can be a curse of our lives, but it can also provide valuable company at key moments. Be selective and see it as a treat to watch a favourite programme. If you read, treat yourself to a good book, or choose to read an old favourite that you know you will enjoy.

The key is not to put all of this off, hoping it will miraculously turn out OK. We do have to choose to engage with the preparations.

We need to remember that all of this is not just about Christmas Day, but also about building a legacy of connections and healthy living for the full year to come.

For those who offer support, we need to not forget those in sheltered housing. It is easy to assume they will be catered for, but in reality many of the regular visitors will be on their holidays.

If you are handling a painful loss at Christmas time, I encourage you to both grieve and to celebrate.

Set a time to think about your loved one. Light a candle and say a prayer or poem. Listen to a favourite piece of music. Buy the deceased a present such as a plant. This helps you feel less guilty when your buy presents for the living. Allow a good cry, but then if you can’t stop, have a cooler shower to re-energise the body. Then choose to turn and refocus on the present and future with those around you.

To grieve is also to remember what the deceased would have wanted for you at this Christmas time and making the effort to fulfill it, however painful it might be.

So put on a piece of music that you know will make you smile and focus on the positive memories of life.

Christmas is but one day of the year but we can use it to develop a new attitude that will nourish us right through 2020.

Dr Bill Merrington is a therapist and chartered psychologist working in the York district (

(bmerri.com or contact info@bmerri.com)