ONE of the worst fears is the death of a child.

Just how do you overcome such a loss?

This is a topic I became interested in after being a maternity and children’s hospital chaplain.

It was at the time when my children were being born in the same hospital.

I would be called in and left with a mother and father in the neo-natal bay as the lovely nurse would say: "I’ll leave you to it Bill".

I soon realised what she meant as we waited for death to arrive. Sometimes it came quickly but often it dilly-dallied. Totally unskilled I eventually realised I was doing lots of things. I was there with the parents feeling their pain. I was getting them to tell me their unique story. I was helping them to support each other and perhaps hold the child for the first time. And for those of faith I was praying for comfort healing and hope for the future.

But this left me wondering what ever happened to the parents when they left the hospital without their baby? So with the help of The Compassionate Friends, a self help support group, I interviewed families up and down the country to see what the impact over several years was and looked at the difference between losing a baby, child or teenager.

My first book, Suffering Love, showed it was clear parents go on suffering throughout their lives. At first, the community gathers together and supports the family well. Although there seems less support for the loss of babies as less people have a connection with the child. By the time a child is a teenager, the wider community engages with the loss. Funerals are well attended and when done well, they are a comfort to parents.

But eventually life moves on leaving parents behind. Often one parent has no choice but to go back to work whilst the other partner is left behind at home. This can cause tension in the way individuals grieve. Also the community support begins to struggle when people want the parent to recover quickly. When you hear lots of parents tell you that "people cross the road to avoid me," you begin to believe them.

It’s not that people are being cruel. But how do you cope when someone cries on you in a shop and sub-consciously reminds you that your own child is vulnerable?

So gradually the support fades. Everyone tells you that it will get better after the first year, but my own research shows that it is often worse in the second and third year. This is because you are further way from your child with less support. Last year you can recall being with your child even if it was in hospital. But a year later all you can do is look back and see yourself lost in grief.

There is also the pain of tactless comments that are made. Comments such as, "my divorce was worst," or "your better off without him" or "aren’t you better now?" cut deep to the heart. It sounds as if you have failed to recover from the flu. As one mother told me, "every time you visit Bill, I cry. But I don’t want to stop as it would be a sign of letting him go".

It is not something a parent gets over. Humans are resilient and bereaved parents do adjust. But there are some clear changes. Bereaved parents suffer fools less gladly; they become less materialistic. No parent ever told me they were now more ambitious or career conscious. They become altruistic and start charities contributing to a community positively. They also become experts on the subject of bereavement, often writing books.

Is this just a British reaction? Well, after interviewing hundreds of families in the UK, Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Lebanon and Japan, I would say not. If you remove the problems of hunger war and infection, African parents carry what I call "shadow grief" just as in the UK. I believe it is a universal reaction.

Parents have to learn how to carry their grief with them into the future. The pain does eventually diminish but is always there. It’s like wearing an extra skin where the loss is always close to the surface.

Coping mechanisms include preparing well ahead for anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. The fear of such days is often worse than the day itself. The day needs to be planned, allowing a fixed time to mourn but not swamp the day. Couples need to take turns in talking about their loss. Partners may have different levels of need to talk.

Finally bereaved parents need friends who will stick with them for the long haul. They often tell me friends fall away but they eventually find friends who can cope with them and just be there without judgment.

Next week: Dealing with on going bereavement problems

Bill Merrington is a Therapist and bereavement specialist (yorkbereavement.com)