Brown bottles

The electorate didn't really want one, being suspicious when an election is called sooner than necessary.

Gordon Brown didn't want one, then he did, then he wasn't sure, then he fluttered his eyelashes and looked coy whenever the possibility was mentioned and hummed loudly, the infuriating old tease (some of these details may be a little loose).

David Cameron certainly didn't want one, even though he protested so loudly about how much he was looking forward to the fight. The Tory leader didn't want an election, but had to pretend he did - and then had to feign righteous anger at having lost an opportunity he desperately didn't want in the first place, knowing he would have lost.

Unpick that one, if you will.

The phantom election was quite entertaining while it didn't last. Labour won it for sure, until the Tories nearly did. The Government blamed the media for putting the rumour about, and the media responded with wounded innocence, claiming that it was all down to New Labour nods and winks to the blind-horse electorate.

In truth, the media protested a little too loudly, once it had caught its breath again after ferrying all those fevered rumours.

The biggest immediate damage was done to the Prime Minister, who has had to endure the tag of "Bottler Brown". Fair enough, up to a point. Brown could easily have stifled the excitement early on and announced he intended to serve more or less a full term. Instead, he let the wicked whispers scurry off and do their work.

The Tories are in fighting mood for now, especially after Tuesday's statement from the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, which pinched three ideas from the planned Conservative manifesto: raising the threshold for inheritance tax - incidentally, only paid by six per cent of estates under the previous arrangement - closing loopholes for wealthy non-domiciles, and switching green aviation taxes from passengers to flights.

Shameless stuff on one level, but haven't governments always cherry-picked from their opponent's wish lists? The cries of protest from Cameron and George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, ring a little too shrill. They seem to swagger without having much to swagger about, aside from a more favourable opinion poll or two.

It is true that Brown has been left looking weaker than expected, the supposed great political player tripped up by his own fancy footwork. What happened to the political grandmaster who could plot every game three moves ahead on the chequered Westminster board?

For all that, the Tories have not been smart in all their responses. That stunt with the beer bottles was just infantile. What a hoot, chaps - we'll send a posse of aides to Downing Street dressed up as giant bottles of brown ale, with the label Bottler Brown.

This silly escapade seemed more worthy of a sixth-form prank instead of a party that professes it wants to run the country again.

Naturally enough, virtually all the criticism has flowed Brown's way, which is what happens when you are in charge. But it would be reasonable to wonder what Cameron thought he was about with this childish response.

The election that never was might even be good for politics. Brown has had his bounce punctured, the Tories have been lifted - and now that the two parties appear more level, they can have some proper debates and tell us what they intend to do.

After a strong summer, Brown now has greater need of his "big clunking fist" (copyright Tony Blair) while Cameron ducks and dives, and slings abuse.

There is also the problem of the "vision thing". Brown is very keen on his vision, indeed he used the word so often in his post non-election statement that it was possible to wonder if he was advertising an opticians.

The Prime Minister is very excited about the vision stuff. The rest of us are still squinting at the horizon and trying to see if we can tell what it is yet.

• AUSTRIALIAN footnote: a sweep of slang websites reveals that in Australian slang, a "bottler" stands for "something excellent". Meanwhile "his blood's worth bottling" translates as "he's an excellent, helpful bloke".

This doesn't get us anywhere, but these byways are fun to explore.