YOU KNOW, you could easily get paranoid around here. Our money-grabbing former Prime Minister might be off on one of his many freebie farewell tours, but the NuLabour machine grinds on, and in the manner of a particularly spooky science fiction novel as well.

Consider this: a leaked email from the Environment Agency to a vegetarian campaign group contains the worrying news that it now appears to be official Government policy to turn the entire population into vegans - no meat, fish or dairy products - as a way to "help save the planet". No, really.

We are therefore to be "guided" towards a life of lentil-eating and encouraged to embrace the joys of vegetarian bacon. Funnily enough, they do seem to realise that this extreme plan might be a tad controversial, warning that the move would need to be done "gently" because of the risk of "alienating the public". You're not joking.

Our crime as meat-eaters is to require the production of hundreds of thousands of farm animals, from pigs to sheep to cows, all guilty in the eyes of the enviro-fascists of producing huge amounts of the greenhouse gases methane and carbon dioxide. Therefore "encouraging people to examine their consumption of animal protein could be a key message".

So there you have it. We are now the enemy. The fact that we enjoy the odd burger or a Sunday roast will not be tolerated in the Brave NuLabour World.

I'm reminded of the famous poem by concentration camp prisoner Pastor Martin Niemöller: "First they came for the car drivers, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a car driver. Then they came for the smokers, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a smoker. Then they came for the drinkers, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a drinker. Then they came for the carnivores, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for us."

A facile comparison, admittedly. But still very true.


* YES, smokers - the social lepers of the 21st century.

Not content with chasing us out of our workplaces and shopping centres, not content with banning us from buses and trains, not content with excluding us from the pub, the restaurant, the football ground and even the church (just when did you see someone lighting up at Vespers?), they're now taking the fight to our own private space - the car.

Road Safety Nazis (close cousins of the Health and Safety Gestapo) are arguing that smoking at the wheel should be made illegal, with a £60 fine and three points for those who transgress.

Apparently, lighting a cigarette and then often dropping it into your lap while in the fast lane of the motorway is regarded as dangerous driving and results in the death of 1,327 people a year (I made that last bit up, but you'd never know).

The way things are going, I'll be facing a driving ban before I even get to the bottom of the lane in the morning.

Shaving at the wheel - three points; drinking coffee - three points; lighting up a fag - three points; and distractedly coasting past a speed camera at 33mph (well, wouldn't you be distracted if you were shaving, drinking and smoking all at the same time?) - three points.

So that's 12 points, £240 in fines and a six-month ban.

It's hardly worth leaving home any more - except that Mrs B won't let me smoke there, either.


* AND THE social engineering just doesn't stop. The parents of babies and toddlers are to be required to record the progress of their children in new "learning diaries" to be introduced by Big Bro sorry the Government.

They'll be encouraged to log details of every activity attempted by their offspring, ranging from stacking play bricks to reciting nursery rhymes.

No problem so far. Show me the proud parent who doesn't already record little Damien's every achievement in the baby book: "And here in this plastic bag is his first poo. Yes, very green, isn't it. What a clever boy."

But now the problems start. The diaries will be scrutinised by child care experts to check that parents are doing all they can to prevent their kids falling behind. Bit spooky that, isn't it?

In mitigation, the £9 million scheme will begin in poorer areas, so it's the scrotes who will bear the brunt of this invasive officialdom - and rightly so, many will argue. But don't be fooled - it won't be long before the middle classes loom into the Nanny State's sights. After all, we're the mugs who try to play by the rules.

One thing puzzles me: what happens to children who are under-achieving, or are just plain thick? Will they be whisked away by the child-catchers from social services for remedial training? Or will they be abandoned on the nearest mountain in the snow, just as the Spartans did?

I don't know, but I think we should be told.