FIRST Boris raced over there to protect Britain’s bendy bananas, then he ran over here to save our chipolatas from perfidious knaves.

Today he burbles in the papers that his colleagues are riding tanks and clutching white flags while simultaneously being locked in a car boot AND wrestling with Giant Haystacks AND cherrypicking something or other (he had lost me by then).

The poor man has disappeared at high speed into the fog of his own mad mixed metaphors.

He’s livid about the failure of the Government to do anything to address the problem of protecting open borders between Northern Ireland and Ireland. He hopes we have all forgotten that he has been Foreign Secretary for the past two years.

Faced with such relentless buffoonery it is time we abandon the word Brexiteer; it aggrandises Boris by suggesting courage and chivalry and selflessness where there is none. Boris, Fox, Rees-Mogg, Davis, Gove and chums are not Brexiteers, they are a hapless bunch of weasel flimflam pedlars chasing unicorns.

Of course as far as chasing Brexit unicorns is concerned it is a crowded field; Theresa May is pursuing her own fantasy beasts and don’t even get me started on Jeremy Corbyn.

Christian Vassie,

Wheldrake, York

Barnier needs firm but fair treatment

I must admit to having a sneaking admiration for M Barnier.

He represents the line of suave, sophisticated, devious and ruthless French diplomats going back at least 300 years. They were usually matched by British representatives who knew how to deal with them in a British way: fair but firm. Unfortunately nowadays such people do not exist or, if they do, they are kept out of the way locked in the Foreign Office attic.

Sometimes M Barnier treats us as an angler plays a prime salmon, alternately letting us out a little then reeling us in a little - presumably until we are tired and give up.

Alternatively he is a professional poker player with a marked deck while our team think they are playing Happy Families.

Whatever, I hope we get out of the EU before its inevitable, probably messy, collapse. With a bit of luck and perhaps M Barnier’s diplomatic skill, history will repeat itself as farce rather than tragedy.

AV Martin, Wigginton, York