TODAY I should be decorating the cake. I should be laying marzipan, piping icing sugar, cutting ribbons, and using stencils to make my Christmas cake look perfect.

That’s what I should be doing as we count down to the big day.

I can’t remember in which magazine the pull-out poster offering me the key to a stress-free Christmas arrived, but it certainly made me feel inadequate.

Let me give you an example. I can’t fulfil today’s task because I haven’t baked the cake I’m supposed to be decorating. That was meant to have taken place on December 1, when I should have ensured that the cake cooked evenly by wrapping the outer edges of the tin with four layers of brown paper tied with string. That’s what I should have done, but didn’t.

On December 5, I should have used any dried fruit left over from baking to prepare chutney, and on December 6, I should have got ahead with the trimmings, par-boiled and frozen root vegetables, made and frozen mince pies. Sorry, no can do – I’m not Mary Berry.

December 9 should have seen me checking decorations and the December 10 putting up and decorating the tree. Yet, by that date, other than buy a few gifts, I still hadn’t done anything remotely festive.

Every year we get swamped by articles in glossy magazine showing us how to ‘do’ Christmas. Are people really this organised, and where are these people who can devote every day in December to it? Very rich housewives living in the Home Counties, with too much time on their hands, I suspect.

December 13 should have seen me making DIY decorations – a suggestion involves thinly slicing oranges, lemons and limes, baking them and threading the dried fruit to make a garland. Sadly, my life doesn’t allow for entire afternoons making twee creations to outdo Kirsty Allsop, and I doubt many others could find the time or the inclination either. A bizarre bit of advice recommends that on the December 21, the host sets the table. This obviously assumes that there is another table in the house at which the family can regroup for meals.

Personally, I believe this is a bit early – think of all the dust that could accumulate before the big day. Guests could be confronted with a Miss Havisham-like scenario.

There are so many things that I should have done, before now, such as visiting my local cheese counter, making edible gifts, wrapping all my presents – that I feel like abandoning Christmas and heading for the hills.

There is far too much pressure on us to be all things to everyone. I’m a ‘last-minute-muddle-through Christmas’ person and proud of it. There are lots of us out there – we should stand up for ourselves and speak out.