What a clumsy lot we all are

10:02am Saturday 12th April 2008

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SOME people have a talent for being able to hurt themselves in an empty room.

Really it's a bit of a gift - being able to fall over with no one and nothing but your own feet in the way. I don't exactly float like a butterfly myself, but at least I have the excuse of my deafness having a knock on (knock over?) effect on my balance.

However, the same excuse can't be used for my work colleagues, who continually manage to bump, scratch, cut and bruise themselves both in and out of the office. The Monday morning catch-up often consists of exploring the new injuries gained over the weekend.

It does make for a lot of entertaining office hours, watching them bounce off the walls and fall up the stairs (yes, up the stairs, I dread the day it's the opposite). Although, as one of them pointed out, the first aid kit - despite being of standard size - probably isn't adequate enough for the highly accident prone people it's designed to patch up.

Now for two such clumsy people, (apologies to you both - but let's be honest and call a klutz a klutz) you'd think that any high impact activities would not be a clever idea. Activities, for instance, such as horse riding and skiing.

The odd thing is that despite participating in the sports above, neither has suffered any major injuries as a result. No, all the traumatic blows have been the fault of everything from pencils to fruit bushes.

After much discussion over tea, coffee and cake - the coffee having been spilt over the desk during more than one occasion, no serious burns however - we've come to the conclusion that it's the focus needed for these activities that prevents any clumsiness-related injuries in their respective hobbies.

Both are active and busy people, so I can understand why their heads would be so full of everything that they fail to notice the little things, such as tables, doors, cables and chairs. And both have become so consistently accident prone that neither takes much notice of the many collisions they're involved in on a daily basis.

I've been tempted to secretly record the whirlwind of calamities that happens as they go crashing about the office, and post it on You Tube. Thankfully it's not catching, as after 18 months there, I seem to be no clumsier than I was before, three of us in one small space would not end well.

Especially since I continue the trend of potentially dangerous hobbies, having been attending Kendo classes for almost two years.

Despite using steel and wooden swords (dressed in armour, I must add), I've only had a couple of small cuts. Loads of bruises, mind you, but I still have all my digits attached. However, I am probably the clumsiest in the class - I can see the fear in the eyes of other armour-less classmates whenever I approach, silently praying that I remember to pull the blow in time.

There was one particular session last year where I managed to accidentally hit every single person in the dojo including myself. It was an achievement, probably not quite what my instructor had hoped, but an achievement nonetheless.

Then there was the evening my instructor let me use his very sharp, very lovely sword.

After he'd cleared the dojo floor of bodies (live ones, I stress), he let me on the floor, then paused and asked me to move a little bit further away, then a little bit further again, and again until I was at the other side of the hall with only a piano and a table in any possible path of destruction.

I'm pleased to say all the furniture survived intact, as did all those watching apprehensively from the safety of the far side of the hall.

Thinking about it, maybe I'm not that much safer than my colleagues, at least the only people they injure is themselves. Having said that the thought of taking either of them to a Kendo class is a risk even I'm not willing to take. It can be perilous enough without consciously choosing to up the ante.

Probably better for all concerned to let them continue to hurl themselves down mountains and gallop over fences. I'll just keep the first aid box in office topped up and cover all sharp corners in foam.