Me and computer games don’t get on

11:32am Saturday 5th April 2008

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MY FIRST computer was a Commodore C64 with a keyboard that was almost the same size as the desk, a hefty power cube that could have been classified as a dangerous weapon, and one of those classy early 1990s black plastic joysticks.

It all plugged into the back of my television and there were enough cables to power the Blackpool illuminations.

I loved it - for about a month. After that, the two games (no, I can't even remember their names) I owned had pretty much bored me to tears. And, excluding a Game Boy complete with Tetris, it's stayed that way as far as gaming goes.

As family and friends have progressed from their Ataris and Amstrads to their Wiis and Xbox 360s, I relinquished my Game Boy long before the dawn of the new millennium. Whether it's my lack of patience or the fact that my attention span is shorter than the average XFactor winner's career, I'm not sure.

So when it comes to long-term programs such as Second Life, I lose interest faster than I'd get caught by the cops in Grand Theft Auto (if that's even what happens in the game). However, more and more, I'm finding myself in the minority with increasing numbers of people taking up all sorts of computer games.

There's been a massive push of late to open up gaming to a wider range of people and move it away from the geeky stereotype that's existed for a number of years. The result is games such as Brain Training and those mundane life type things full of fluffy, cuddly animals and sweet, perfect little houses.

The only game that I've been able to stick at is Crime Scene Investigation. Even then the longest I've managed is two hours. Mainly because I like listening to the cheesy one-liners delivered at each scene and also because, truth be told, I'm not that great at figuring out whodunit. In fact, I'm surprised that they haven't installed patronising comments from the main characters that get more irate that longer it takes to solve the mystery.

The thing is I always figure it out on the television well before Grissom and his team do, which is probably why I've given up on the game and decided to stick to watching the programme.

Neither have I ever understood how players can become so immersed in games that they get physically scared or find themselves leaning left and right trying to see around the next corner.

Personally, I find it much more entertaining to watch the myriad of cartoon-like expressions that cross the faces of the players and sneaking up on them just as they reach a really nerve-racking bit.

Not surprisingly people aren't best pleased when I do that as it often ruins the atmosphere they've spent fours hours building and destroys the last chance they had to defeat the forces of evil, whatever form they may be taking.

I have repeatedly tried to jump on this particular bandwagon; usually by feigning curiosity and hoping it will turn into actual interest. It's never worked yet.

Like I said, my lack of attention span just doesn't allow it. However, I've yet to have a go on the Wii - mainly because I don't know anyone who has one - and from the adverts I've seen on the television that may be my only portal into the gaming world.

Not too taxing and it can be switched off when you are bored or when Neighbours comes on, without the trauma of having to wait until successful completion of level 42.

I'm thinking I should take more of an interest as even my mother has expressed a desire for, and I quote, "one of they wee hand held things that has the brain game on it". Although she hadn't realised it was a £100 machine, and quickly went off the idea when I delicately pointed that fact out.

So, apart from having the chance to have a wee go on a Wii, I'd say the likelihood of me becoming a hardcore gamer is slim to non-existent unless, of course, someone releases a photo-realistic version of 24 for the PC.

The chance to work alongside Jack Bauer would just be too good an opportunity to refuse.