YORK film buffs will be off to see The Football Factory tonight, a heartwarming tale of male bonding and mindless violence.

But one footie fanatic who won't be bothering is Shaun Collinge - he's already seen it a hattrick of times, including as a guest at its London premiere.

The landlord of the Maltings, Tanners Moat, York, first went to a preview in Leeds. After the screening, someone hosted a question and answer session - badly.

"I could do a better job than that," announced the shy and retiring publican. Lo and behold, he's signed up to compere another preview of the film in Manchester.

There, the Leeds United fan hits it off with the Football Factory's director, Nick Love, and its star Danny Dyer, and they head off "on the lash" all night.

That clinched Shaun an invitation to the London premiere at the Odeon, Shaftesbury Avenue, where he mingled with such stellar talent as Daniella Westbrook and, er, Jo Guest.

"I was standing next to a guy who's in Blue, but I didn't know who he was," confessed a starstruck Shaun.

For some reason, people at the after show party kept asking the burly slaphead which hooligan he played in the film. Talk about stereotyping. Uncle Fester ignored them and went to the bar - to be stung for £27 for three vodkas.

Now back regaling regulars at the Maltings with tales of his Hollywood lifestyle, Shaun said he would recommend the Football Factory to any bloke who likes his football. Even see it three times if you like.

For a fuller review, see York Twenty4seven tonight.

ACTORS were preparing for curtain up at the Theatre Royal earlier this week when a pipe sprang a leak.

Normally this would be a pain in the neck, but for these thespians it was an opportunity to hone their performances.

Because the show they are starring in is Titanic: The Musical.

"Yes, it's true, all right," says the theatre's press officer Duncan Clarke."It was a small hot water pipe that burst at the gallery level of the theatre."

The public areas weren't affected, just the dressing rooms. A disaster to rival the liner sinking itself? On the contrary. "Cold water splashing around helped the performers perfect their method acting," Duncan added.

Titanic: The Musical continues tonight and tomorrow.

Wellies not required.

THE Crown and Cushion is a legendary North Yorkshire pub.

So it is all the more shameful that the Diary placed it is Welburn, near Helmsley, rather than its true location, Welburn, near Malton on Wednesday.

What were we drinking... er, thinking?

THE Greetings Card Association is put out by the Royal Mail's latest act of stupidity: a plan to charge by size as well as weight of post.

To demonstrate how daft this is, the association has released the mathematical formula which customers should use to work out future payments:

(width - 165) x (height - 240) x (depth - 5) x 1.64 = price of postage

The Diary suggests the association also starts a mass postal campaign, bombarding Royal Mail bosses with greetings cards. We have already written the verse:

On this special day we hail

You with our own hate mail.

With post size should not matter

But you want profits fatter.

Our hearts it leaves quite pained

To say you are peabrained.

If this is first class service

Then my name's Peter Purves.

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 09:17 Friday, May 14, 2004